Author Archives: thebardofkelvindale.com

Political Correctness

Political Correctness (PC)

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In the past it was simply considered good manners
But now there seems a much higher standard
For things that we say or words that we write
The risk of offending has become infinite

We have to reflect on the language we use
And avoid using terms whose meaning is loose
And above all we must never discriminate
By adopting a term which others berate

Thus mankind is replaced by humanity
Never appealing to mens’ vanity
Workmen joined by their women equivalent
So the term workforce is much less ambivalent

The killer whale is the orca, a much kinder term
Spring Spheres replace Easter Eggs we confirm
And Christmas foliage becomes the holiday tree
So that from religion we might all be kept free

PC is not just restricted to the use of words
Some other changes you may think absurd
So to make Dennis a little less of a Menace
A softening makeover so as not to offend us

Punch and Judy, a staple of the British seaside
No more inappropriate hitting or woe betide
Brainstorming must now be described as thought showers
Such revisions took the PC inspectors many hours

A major concern of the PC advocates
Two concepts which they often like to conflate
Equality and diversity they seek to promote
Only such policies deserving our vote

One school plans to make its toilets unisex
So that any LGBT pupils will n’er be preplexed
Thus avoiding any possible crisis of identity
Binary division removed quite acceptably

So the whole agenda of political correctness
By many new measures designed to direct us
Ensuring that nothing will ever divide or offend
Perhaps a new tyranny that seems without end

Ken Fisher

 

Apprenticeship

Apprenticeship

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Today is Budget Day and it is interesting to note
a new emphasis on Apprenticeships.  An old idea
being given new clothes 

The image in this picture represents great distortion
Of what apprenticeship today is really all about
Their TV show antics seem out of all proportion
The normal rules of business they prefer to flout

Of course there is little doubt it brings us entertainment
But do the images they create show us much of business?
Surely apprenticeship involving good work placement
Should let us experience a working life in all its richness

In latter years many young people have shunned apprenticeship
So off they went in droves, hoping to become a graduate
Believing that the University would them for life equip
But in the end wealth and success proved not their future fate

So recently there has been greater realization
That practical training rather than lofty theory
Might better serve the young denizens of our nation
Than book learning of which they become weary

Getting your hands dirty in workshop or in laboratory
Might then prove for many a much wiser bet
Adding steadily to a growing skills inventory
And incidentally avoiding piles of student debt

In the old days apprentices into journey-men became
And now-a-days these trainees can show similar success
The system of advancement is now much less arcane
As in the modern day labour market they smoothly can progress

So to Lord Sugar we must offer due deference
He and his team of two have kept us all amused
But the real life apprenticeship is our own preference
And between the two we are surely not confused

Ken Fisher

 

Fly in the Ointment

Fly in the Ointment

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Ecclesiastes 10.1 Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour,
so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour

 Do we stop to think when tempted to sin?
A little peccadillo or something akin
To cut the corner, giving less than our best
I am sure that no one would ever have guessed

So that the face that we show to the credulous world
Is not quite so upright, but slightly impaired
‘Cause we are not just as honest as you may well think
In our shiny armour there is that little chink

Somehow a fly has sneaked into the ointment
And the facts are not quite as we would present
In our past life there’s a secret we continue to hide
A fact of which we in no way take pride

So we hope that if this flaw you were to discover
You will accept that o’er time we have tried to recover
And by honest hard work our reputation rebuild
That nasty fly in the ointment now hopefully killed

There is one final point I think we should make
And I hope this won’t cause you any heartache
To wipe the slate clean we must each other forgive
That in true harmony we all then may live

Ken Fisher

Eyeball to Eyeball

Eyeball to Eyeball

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Eyeball to eyeball appears to be the common stance
Of TV interviewers and their victims – the politicians
The media moguls seem to think that MPs are fair game
For their verbal assaults and skirmishes

I am not sure who is determined to demonstrate
to greater effect. To grandstand their superiority
In debate, or at least in point-scoring
In inflicting wounds and uncovering vulnerability

Of course politicians are often the masters of the silver tongue
Their weasel words crafted to evade embarrassing questions
At all costs they must not be seen as a boxer on the ropes
So they return the punches with equivocation and obfuscation

One of the popular weapons in these wars of words
Is the use of the impenetrable realm of statistics
Thus by digital prestidigitation they produce from the hat
Numerical evidence to justify or countermand any ‘fact’

So it seems to me that many TV and radio interviews
Have become the arena for the clash of aspiring titans
Journalists exercising their customary power without responsibility
And politicians defending their power while evading responsibility

And one wonders if these eyeball to eyeball spectaculars
Only serve the vanity of the protagonists

Ken Fisher

 

The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the Room

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An elephant seems to have entered our room
Surely someone will say something soon
Because its presence is so clearly obvious
Yet apparently ignored by the entire audience

Despite the fact of its enormous frame
Everyone agrees to play the game
Of pretending this tusker does not exist
So speaking of which they firmly resist

The risk of its presence they simply ignore
A course of action they all should deplore
Because this mighty behemoth won’t go away
A solution is needed most speedily

Of course the elephant is simply a metaphor
For a problem we must find a solution for
Like the King’s New Clothes concealing a lie
The elephant too would the truth deny

So let our profession be honest and true
Not sending that giant back to the zoo
And candour can once again resume
When we accept the elephant is in the room!

Ken Fisher

 

 

What About the Workers?

What About the Workers?

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There is much talk in the media at this present time
About the future of work which may be in decline
For the robots are coming to take every job
And thus from the people their income to rob

Started long ago with machines on the farm
Agricultural labourers indeed felt the harm
Then the cottage industries soon disappeared
As new textile machinery got into gear

But then came lots of jobs in the world of commerce
A white-collar career seemed to offer great promise
Armies of typists and clerks neatly attired
Could occupy desks until they retired

In due course the factories became automated
Old fashioned methods soon were outdated
The workers had to keep pace with machines
Under controllers at shiny computer screens

As systems evolved in the world of business
Unremitting change with no forgiveness
Artificial intelligence now to-day’s greatest threat
As thinking machines the workers beset

So clerks and typists and check-out operators
Are all under threat by the perpetrators
Of autonomous devices needing no human hands
So how might the workers this onslaught withstand?

The world of the call centre is another workplace
Where humans may no doubt soon be replaced
With robots programmed to handle our needs
Without delay at remarkable speed

And the press is full of stories of cars
Who will drive themselves however far
So taxis and vans with armies of drivers
With redundancy there won’t be any survivors

Because make no mistake this robotic invasion
Even of professional work will see infiltration
So that Doctors’ diagnoses and lawyers’ advice
Replaced by software at reasonable price

Even accountants who make a comfortable living
Charging fancy fees without any misgiving
May find the deep mysteries of their craft
Undertaken by robots instead of their staff

So how are we going to earn our daily corn
With no work to do won’t we be all forlorn?
With no wage coming in, how will we survive
For it’s surely money that helps keep us alive?

Well perhaps in due time we’ll find paradise
If some generous government being oh so wise
Lets the robots do all the work that there is to do
And we get the income which was our wage hitherto

In such a perfect world at ease we could rest
With no daily toil we would be free of all stress
The robots will serve and never complain
And we the ex-workers can take all the gain!

Ken Fisher

By way of evidence for the above tirade here are just two
quotations from the Business Section of the Daily Telegraph
on 27 February 2017:

‘Robot lined up to handle O2 enquiries’
‘The car giant FORD has teamed up with an artificial 
intelligence company to work on new generations of
driverless cars’

From the Sunday Times 26 Feb 2017:
Aviva Insurance has asked its 16,000 staff: 
could a robot do your job?  If so the company 
will retrain employees for new roles.

And this more ominous headline from the US:

‘Why the United Nations must  move forward with a killer 
robots ban  – If we don’t get a ban in place there will be
an artificial intelligence arms race’

 

 

The Man on the Clapham Omnibus

The Man on the Clapham Omnibus
[the legal stereotype of the ordinary man]

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The ordinary man is considered to be
The usual chap that you would often see
This kind of guy rarely makes any fuss
Meet him every day on the Clapham bus

This man is beloved of the powers-that-be
The regular guy known to you and me
Ripe for conscription or the labour market
He is the man those in charge want to target

Sometimes accused of lacking ambition
And not all his qualities gain recognition
But this everyday man has achieved prominence
When cited in court by a judge eminent

In deciding a case of alleged negligence
Both the prosecution and the defence
Were asked to consider how this oh-so-reasonable chap
May be thinking beneath his everyday cap

So thus in our legal system it became a convention
That to this man’s concerns we should pay attention
Thus determining the view of the man in the crowd
Sets a standard of which we should really be proud

Because it means that it’s not only expert opinion
That forms the ratio of any decision
But the obiter dicta  from the ordinary man’s view
Ensures the judgement can’t be misconstrued

Ken Fisher

Ratio decidendi : the rationale for the decision
Obiter dictum :    other words or guidelines in judge’s expression of opinion

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This is more like the Clapham Omnibus in the
original court case according to a Law Report of 1903

 

The Street Evangelist

The Street Evangelist

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‘Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature’
Surely these are the words that provide the driving force
For street evangelists, sometimes, unkindly called Bible-thumpers
Those whose urge to proselytize will not be suppressed

And as I edge by why do I feel slightly embarrassed and ill at ease?
Is it because I think that it is vulgar for the sacred word
To be exposed to ridicule, or more likely, totally ignored
The Message condemned because of the ranting of the messenger?

The preacher and his henchmen encourage others to gather round
And just a few pause for a moment tuning their ears to unfamiliar words
Spoken from the King James Version – is this Shakespeare or what?
Words of challenge familiar to us from Sunday School texts

I suppose that in this modern day of social media where many
Voices clamour for our attention, street preachers are an anachronism
But perhaps for that very reason I feel both admiration and discomfiture
Why should the glory of the gospel be retailed on street corners?

Soon enough I turn away but not before I have heard snatches
Of the invitation to accept the saving grace of Jesus
The call to walk in God’s way and to repent my sins
This is altogether too heavy – I skulk off  for a burger!

Ken Fisher

 

Doctor’s Appointment

Doctor’s Appointment

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Why does waiting fill me with such apprehension
Alert for that buzzer, body tight with tension
Trying to appear cool, calm and collected
Pretending I am really quite unaffected

I thumb through the magazines in the waiting room
Christmas adverts although it’s well into June
Santa’s jovial face beams out amidst snow
My anxieties he clearly does not know

Names are called on the buzzer’s pulse
Each time it seems to make my heart convulse
Only two more ahead of me in the queue
Surely soon they are bound to call me through

Bored by those journals out-of-date
I spy notices which describe my fate
If I don’t seek early treatment for my ills
Remedies much more radical than pills

Doctor now ready, just go on through
I chap the door, to face the interview
But I really should not have been so scared
As with my GP pleasantries are shared

What’s the problem she gently enquires?
A question of which she never tires
I say that I am just in for my regular check
Hoping I haven’t turned into a wreck

She takes my blood pressure with that fancy scope
That its not gone sky-high is my earnest hope
Then bodily fluids are drawn off in samples
Sent off to the labs in clear shiny ampules

I stand on the scales to check on my weight
I claim that my shoes will the figure inflate
Then she asks about my exercise and diet
Of my answers she expresses some disquiet

Well fortunately now the session is over
I am hoping the tests will no nasties uncover
‘Keep taking that tablets’ she loudly declares
In a tone that’s intended to show that she cares

Ken Fisher

 

This is the Way – Walk in it

This is the Way – Walk in It

(Some advice to all walkers)

[Isaiah 30:21]

Le Chameau Aubrac Walking Boot

Perhaps when meandering in the rural hinterland
Beyond our city’s sprawling network of residential streets
We find some purpose and direction by knowing our intended way
Our leader’s instructions might echo the words of the prophet
“This is the way. Walk in it!”

Of course it can be pleasurable simply to roam without restraint
And indeed there may be occasions when this is by far the better choice
But mostly we feel the need to have some purpose, some aim in mind
Thus a route will have been planned, to provide order and direction
‘This is the Way. Walk in it!”

I wonder if our life can always be so structured?
At the outset, in infancy control is not yet delegated to us
And o’er the early years of childhood our family points out the way
It is not for us to dictate to our elders or our betters
“This is the Way. Walk in it!”

But as the years pass and we gain a measure of maturity
We seek to acquire more autonomy over the choice of the way ahead
And indeed it is expected of us that we will find our own direction
Having in the meantime striven to acquire the skills for self-advancement
“This is the way. Walk in it!”

Thus throughout our life we will seek to follow a meaningful course
But it will not always be possible to see a clear way ahead
We will be assailed by all manner of challenges and problems
And as we are buffeted to and fro we will search for a voice to say
“This is the way. Walk in it!”

And it is then that we will yearn most earnestly for the prophetic call,
The voice in our ear, the steadying hand to seize our own
But in this modern sophisticated age, to whom will we turn
To receive that word to guide, to direct, to reassure?
“This is the way. Walk in it!”

Ken Fisher

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Cold Calling

Cold Calling

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The phone rings and we react in a Pavlovian way
Only to find that we have once again become prey
To those anonymous callers who want us to respond
To their sales messages electronically spawned

We know right away when we pick up the phone
That the caller is thousands of miles from our home
Their grasp of our language seems rudimentary
Their spiel they repeat as if straight from memory

The background noise sounds like a bazaar
How many such sales progress very far?
But these callers give it their very best shot
Each shift for them must be really fraught

Then there are calls which purport to be local
Sometimes these speakers can be very vocal
‘We are in your area and thought we would ring
To offer our product – the very best thing’

When you reply that you’ve been double-glazed
This seems to leave them completely unfazed
What is the state of your cavity walls
Or careworn rooms and unpainted halls?

So although their messages are often unwelcome
And surely they close a sale only seldom
Nonetheless they’re determined to  persevere
For rewards that bring so little cheer

Perhaps we should give these agents a thought
For in the end it’s simply a job
And although we would rather they left us alone
Do them a favour, at least pick up the phone!

Ken Fisher

 

See also: Thank You for Waiting – Your Call is Important to Us

 

200th Poem

200th Poem

This is the 200th Poem I have published on my website

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What was the reason for my turning to verse?
So many thoughts I have tried to rehearse
Words about persons and things all around
A wide range of topics where variety abounds

Poems for the seasons forever changing
Poems about nature, ever wide-ranging
Poems about places throughout our land
Poems on all topics – nothing was banned

Poems on deep points of theology
Poems on obscure and opaque philosophy
Poems on movement and locomotion
Poems on ideas that can cause a commotion

Poems on food that may cause indigestion
Poems on the Bible which oft raised a question
Poems about work and earning a living
Poems about duty – oft unforgiving

Poems on themes of faith and matters moral
Poems on clashing ideas that may make us quarrel
Poems that are prayers offered to God
Poems that His spirit be seen abroad

Poems that sought to explain complex terms
Poems that our ignorance seemed to confirm
Poems that dealt with our changes in mood
Poems that probably did little good

Poems on funerals and occasions quite sad
Poems with nice pictures for which we were glad
Poems whose rhymes don’t easily fit
Poems with points quite hard to transmit

Poems on the city and our great nation
Poems on politics and the election
Poems noting the result of the referendum
Poems that praised our United Kingdom

Poems that attempted to explain astrophysics
Poems as obscure as vague metaphysics
Poems about money and the great credit crunch
Poems on our leaders – an inspiring bunch!

Poems that noted our life’s brief span
Poems to urge us to live as well as we can
Poems pleading that you be fully mindful
Poems that warn us to never be spiteful

And so you can see in my versification
My inner thoughts given verbalization
I hope all this effort has not largely been wasted
And some of its flavour you have joyfully tasted

Ken Fisher