Turkey Without Legs 2020

Turkey Without Legs [2020]

Warning: this poem is not suitable for Vegetarians or Vegans!

Here’s a thing you did not know
And I assure you that it’s so
Legless turkey is being served
A phenomenon I have observed

As you see from this tasty plate
Who needs legs you might debate?
When stuffing’s there and so’s the meat
With sprouts and roasties, quite complete

It’s just that somehow one does wonder
Has the chef just made a blunder
Or have those legs now gone astray?
Their absence may cause some dismay

However, I really have to claim
Legless turkey tastes the same
And with the trimmings on display
Such a meal will make your day

One final thought about this dish
As we munch together I would wish
Despite not being the real McCoy
This legless bird might still bring joy

And especially in this Covid year
When Christmas seems bereft of cheer
Turkey with legs, or without
Happily smiles next the sprouts!

Ken Fisher

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Christmas is Coming 2020

Christmas Is Coming  2020

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat
What might Santa bring me? Dominates the chat

And this year, still oppressed by the great pandemic
We need something special a gizmo or a gimmick

Lots of choices to entertain and amuse
Making it impossible for each of us to choose

It seems no time at all, since this month last year
Your previous gift –  still unwrapped I fear!

The problem for me is you are so very generous
Thus I am overwhelmed with great mountains of stuff

I can only wear one pair of slippers at a time
Such excess warms me quicker than jugs of mulled wine

It was good of you to buy me that new casual shirt
Its gaudy colours nearly made my dim eyes hurt

I don’t know if you’ve heard, no-one now wears ties
And my thank-youz for them are really little lies

I realise that your attempts to keep up with new trends
Might have stretched your credit, made you over-spend

But please this year don’t push things to excess
Our neighbours are so rich, it will never them impress

I am wondering if this Christmas something novel might suffice
Unusual, surprising, still at reasonable price

So here’s a few ideas which might have some appeal
At least one of these, most folks should find ideal

What about a ticket to an outdoor swimming pool?
Once you’ve cracked the ice you really will look cool

Or a trip in one of those new driverless cars
With free insurance cover for any consequential scars

I rather fancy a tattoo, of course somewhere quite discreet
Tucked away neatly underneath the soles of my feet

And have you thought of having your head shaved bald
It’s bound to leave your relatives somewhat shocked, perhaps appalled

And how about a faux-fur dressing gown for cosy nights at home?
Or for the horticultural zealot perhaps a garden gnome?

Or this rather sick suggestion about a novel coffin
Called a “wooden onesie” you won’t use it very often!

If you need ideas on what’s now all-the-rage
On-line catalogues put temptation on every flickering  page

As Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat
I can take PayPal or BitCoin and not just a penny from your hat!

And this Covid year makes it difficult to deliver
But don’t let the DPD man stand in the cold and shiver!

Ken Fisher

Oh Zoom All Ye Faithful!

Oh Zoom All Ye Faithful!

Will God be impressed by this method prosaic
With the worshippers aligned in this little mosaic?
Will He incline His ear as we offer our praises
Watching our lips to catch all the phrases

When communal worship is now so constricted
By Covid rules all our freedom restricted
We still feel the need to sing and to pray
Of God’s gift to the world on that first Christmas Day

We recall how at the inn they could find little room
If they could fast forward the Wise Men would Zoom
The Shepherds too need not leave their land
As long as they use fibre-optic broadband

Back to today, what are the faithful to do?
To voice all the old favourites and some that are new
How might we this year lift up our hearts
In communal praises, each playing our part

The answer is that we must just do our best
Aware that God all our efforts will bless
So let’s Zoom all ye faithful, give thanks to our Lord
Assured that on high our song surely is heard

Ken Fisher

Digital Christmas

Digital Christmas

Traditional plans are all cast asunder
Christmas now enshrined in digital numbers
Our letters to Santa at his home far up north
Replaced by texts and emails henceforth

Invites to parties we must meet with resistance
As they breach strict rules on social distance
Not just for Baby Jesus the inn has no room
The shepherds and wise men must learn how to Zoom

Indeed their gifts and anything else they require
At this present time are hard to acquire
It may be OK if they intend to bring food
But the shops are shut for non-essential goods

Our carol singing must be a solo affair
We cannot allow choir voices to blare
The YouTube version is the best we can do
Recorded last year from the Church pew

It seems that our homes we can still decorate
Here the digital age can our ambitions inflate
Not just the tree topped with an icon angelic
But thousands of lights which flash psychedelic

But our Christmas greetings will have to be muted
No travelling too far or you’ll be prosecuted
Sticking to the rules is an onerous task
And kissing impossible while sporting that mask!

But despite all these issues I am sure you agree
Noel should never be devoid of all glee
The digital world can still keep us connected
Ensuring that others are never neglected

Ken Fisher

Halloween – 2020

Halloween [Saturday 31 Oct 2020]

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Trick or Treat I hear them ask – what should I reply?
As on the threshold of my door the guisers I espy
To ward them off I pay their price as if it were a ransom
With fruits and sweets and even nuts a gift that I thought handsome

But before I let my ‘guests’ depart I ask them in return
What entertainment will they provide, what act will they perform?
It is in times like these I find that suddenly they’re silent
Unable to convince me that Britain has still Got Talent!

However, eventually together they muster up some courage
One even recites a bawdy poem – not really with much flourish
Two more play on the ‘air guitar’ a stimulating riff
While others mouth imagined lyrics, standing there quite stiff

The performance duly over towards the door they shuffle
And in sharing out the Treats try to avoid a scuffle
It was then I notice their costumes quite exotic
Theatrical to say the least – some even psychedelic

These young celebrants in this ancient hallowed festival
Of evil spirits, ghosts and some things quite heretical
Are really just out to have fun with all their many friends
And despite their spooky garb they bring no ill intent

So when our doorbell rings with the challenge ‘Trick or Treat’?
Let’s welcome them with open heart – and with a smile do greet
‘Cause on the eve of All Saints’ Day it’s best that we been seen
To welcome visitors e’re so strange on this night of Halloween

But in this year of the ‘plague’ guising’s quite a task
How do you perform when your face is covered by that pesky mask?
Yet let’s not spurn all visitors amidst  threatening pandemic
Try not to make your welcome seem quite so anaemic!

Ken Fisher

 

Soap

Soap

 

Soap
Without it how could we keep clean?
Attend to bodily hygiene
These days its reputation rises
As the doctor now advises

Wash your hands with diligence
Against the virus build defence
Scrub the palms and ‘tween the fingers
Ensure no danger can there linger

This product ‘ere so commonplace
Yields spotless hands and shining face
And limbs and torso don’t exclude
Unless you feel a downright prude!

Soap’s not for your body alone
Lots of uses round the home
It often comes in liquid form
Multi-functions to perform

Whatever be our cleaning wishes
Grubby floors or daily dishes
Clothes fall victim to the dirt
Smart fashion wear to cheap t-shirts

In the machine’s rotating drum
Clothes and soap together turn
And when the purging is complete
We’re summoned by that welcome ‘beep’

Whether in wash-hand basin or the sink
Just take a little time to think
Without the work of common soap
Of cleanliness we lose all hope!

Ken Fisher

Please Keep Your Distance!

Please Keep Your Distance!

[This poem written in the light of latest tight
restrictions on freedom thanks to the pandemic]

The message for today shouts loud and clear
Intended to warn, it can induce fear
This strong injunction brooks no resistance
Demanding quite clearly – Please keep your distance!

Two metres would seem to be the optimum space
Between each other when we come face to face
And if nearer to that I see you advance
I must pirouette past in an intricate dance

The rules about distancing are highly developed
In lists and notices these commands are enveloped
Great powers on the authorities have been bestowed
Check them now on your phone with a QR Code

Outside the buildings the rules are less strict
A little more freedom from demands that restrict
But inside we must obey the floor plan
Follow the arrows as close as you can

In bars, restaurants and cafes, tables are spaced far apart
Cosy dinners for two with your dear sweetheart
When you hoped your liaison might well advance
Find two metres distance can stymie romance

Then there are also practical points to consider
And here I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t snigger
A gent requiring the toilet due to an excess of beer
Saw half the “stalls” labelled – Please don’t pee here!

So in conclusion I will not criticise
The imposition of distance rules is truly quite wise
But I plead that to each other we show toleration
Throughout this lockdown of whatever duration

Ken Fisher

Trees

Trees

[A humorous glance at]

Trees.   There they are
But we don’t often think much about them
Not unless there is a mighty gale blowing
And we think one is going to fall on us
Or in a thunderstorm – don’t stand under
One or you might become a lightning conductor!

Trees are woody perennial plants
That have an elongated stem – the trunk
Below the trunk there are roots
Then branches and leaves
Reaching upwards [unless a weeping willow]
Ambitious creatures!

There are myriad different trees
Boy scouts used to learn their names
Then burn bits of them in the campfire
Coniferous – with cones – for Christmas
Deciduous – with leaves that fall
OK for logging and carpentry

When a tree is cut down
You can check its age by the rings!
Similar to an old man’s scrawny neck
[but don’t cut him down]
But mostly we just let trees get
On with life – they do no harm

Children of wealthy families
Can have a tree house
Where they can view their neighbours
From their lofty position
Not just physically
But socially

Trees evidently help the world to breathe
Which right now is especially kind of them
The technical term is photosynthesis
But let’s not worry about that
Simply stop destroying trees
And get planting – they take years to grow!

Apparently trees have lots of other uses
They stabilise the soil
They prevent water run off
They can cool our homes and streets
And if any tree is giving you a headache
Don’t forget aspirin is extracted from trees!

Ken Fisher

Gossip

Gossip

Have you heard the latest…………..?
Wait until you hear this………………
Don’t you just love it
To hear something is amiss

Chimps indulge in grooming
To endear one to the other
Humans like to gossip
Telling tales of one another

The juiciest of gossip
Of faults and indiscretions
Of peccadillos, little lapses
The stuff of true confessions

It’s odd that gossip rarely
Compliments or praises
Says little of kindly deeds
Just scandal that amazes

Doubtless gossip has a purpose
That’s surely not malignant
And the hypocrite within us
Really ought not be indignant

I retail my tittle tattle
And you then reciprocate
Thus we bond together
As chimps might congregate

Ken Fisher

So

Have you noticed how often
People use the word ‘so’?
All sorts of functions
On ‘so’ they bestow

In answers to questions
‘so’ starts the reply
Then follows the answer
That lets you know why

So is used as an adverb
Meaning to such an extent
So we describe a thing’s size
Thus its scale represents

So is a conjunction
And can be employed as a link
So, instead of ‘and then’
Can be useful I think

So also appears
In so many phrases
As in so on and so forth
We thus sing its praises

But perhaps so is now used
To emphasise what we say
So start off with so
Your profound words to convey!

So what? I hear you say.

Ken Fisher

On-Screen Appearance

On-Screen Appearance

[Communication as required under coronavirus!]

In these unusual days when we self-isolate
We have to find new ways to communicate
So as we position ourselves in front of our screen
We are somewhat concerned about how we are seen

Of course the first problem is to make the connection
And it takes time and practice to find the selection
Do we use ZOOM or Facetime or perhaps even Skype?
And then we must know when to click or to swipe

Now I know it’s important that we should not seem vain
But appearances count you know, all the same
As we appear on your screen we make an impression
Best with positive stance and a smiling expression

But our face is not all that our contacts can view
The way we are clothed they clearly see too
So for this on-screen discourse there is a prerequisite
We need to consider what is good etiquette

Many think that when we are not meeting face to face
A smart appearance we can simply forsake
But I suggest that if we wish to remain business-like
Competence is the mien that we must still strike

But not all our Zooming is for important transactions
Quite often it’s with family or friends we have interactions
Fashion might not then be our primary concern
So to a more casual style we can return

Thus in the morning jogging bottoms may be quite OK
In the afternoon my new jumper can be on display
But in the evening perhaps when you might see me close up
Hair nicely combed, and for the ladies(?)– make-up!

And you might think that as we are all more remote
Dress sense we no longer need to promote
But I hope you will find these guidelines deserve our adherence
In such isolation don’t ignore your on-screen appearance!

Ken Fisher

Think Happy Thoughts!

Think Happy Thoughts

 

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What might be the cure for the doom and gloom
When joy in our hearts fails to find any room?
What can we do to expel doubt and fear
And fill once again our minds with good cheer

Some suggest we might resort to philosophy
To lift us up from the depths of despondency
By thinking great thoughts our minds will improve
Anxious worries may hopefully thus be removed

Other gurus, psychology would then advocate
Our problem’s with thinking and how we relate
The external world to our inner perception
Our concerns and issues are mere self-deception

Theology also should not be ignored
Surely faith’s realm might be duly explored
But perhaps religion might make us feel worse
And prove less of a boon and more of a curse

Positive thinking may yet give us a boost
Thus a happier mood might be quickly induced
Just such a message is proudly displayed
On these T- Shirts which surely might yet some persuade!

But to bring this poem right up to date
When Covid-19 might determine our fate
And happy thoughts may be in short supply
You must just ‘stay at home’ and put life on standby

Ken Fisher