The Suit is an Endangered Garment

The Suit is an Endangered Garment

That favoured garb of office staff
Is now considered really naff
Formal dress is not required
Jeans and T-shirt more admired

In days of yore it was expected
Certain standards were respected
And suits were necessary attire
If approval you would acquire

But as office attendance has declined
For Zoom or Teams suits weren’t designed
Thus casual dress has been conceded
Smart formal suits no longer needed

It depends upon the organisation
And the degree of strong persuasion
But many firms allow casual wear
As long as clients it will not scare!

So all this has meant suits are endangered
Party dress or beachwear favoured
So perhaps this decline in things sartorial
Demands for the suit a two-piece memorial!

Ken Fisher

SPAM

SPAM

[Not the Computer kind]

Not quite described as haute cuisine
In posh restaurants rarely seen
But for me spam’s still a tasty treat
And with all others can compete

It soon became the subject of much chatter
This Scientifically Processed Animal Matter
And despite this rather dubious name
Throughout the war it gained great fame

Jokes about spam were often harsh
As food they thought that it was trash
Now unwanted emails hit the bin
Like the contents of the square spam tin

Despite it all the spam sales grew
Its popularity they can’t subdue
Gaining a world-wide reputation
This porky dish devoured by  nations

The years saw varieties proliferate
As different flavours reached our plate
From classic spam to hot and spicy
Chorizo, Turkey, and Pumpkin pricey

Spam products offer versatility
Long shelf-life, affordability
It can be cooked in various ways
Round the world we sing its praise

Even today in supermarkets
This revered icon excels sales targets
So to all those food snobs disdaining spam
Stretch out your hand and grab a can

Ken Fisher

Carpet Slippers

Carpet Slippers

The Sixth Age of Man – “Shifts into lean and slippered pantaloon”
[Shakespeare]

Carpet slippers
Symbolic of age and increasing frailty
And why not?

Are feet not entitled to be cosseted
Those extremities petted and pampered?

After all they have supported us
All the day long of this troublous life
They have earned their reward

Carpet slippers – sometimes with Velcro fastening
Stigmatised as high fashion for the care home
The last stand of fragile feet

But isn’t this a bit unfair?
Slippers by definition
Can be slipped on and off

No wrestling with the intricasies of lace tying
At an unreachable distance
Easy access too for your friendly
Chiropodist or [modern] podiatrist

The raison d’etre of carpet slippers
Is to provide comfort
For the weary sole
A function they lovingly perform

But utility is not the only measure
Leather and different fabrics may be employed
And colour and style can enhance
Their otherwise drab image

So don’t be annoyed when younger relatives
Choose to select them as your number one
Christmas present

Be proud to wear your slippers
You won’t be carpeted for doing so!

Ken Fisher

 

 

 

 

Wheesht!

Wheesht!

Wheesht! A Scottish injunction urging silence
Wheesht! Sometimes colloquially expressed
As Haud yer Wheesht or hold your tongue!
It’s a verb, a noun, an interjection

How often have we wished that somebody
Would Wheest for a while?
The irritable baby
The whingeing toddler
The hectoring politician
The ranting preacher
The boring lecturer
The nagging wife
The bombastic father
The orgasmic cries of the sports commentator
The loud expressiveness of the over zealous actor

And it’s not only voices we wish would Wheesht
What about?
The thunderous traffic on a main highway
The cacophony of an orchestra wrestling with modern music
The defiant shriek of the flute bands of the Orange Walk
The throbbing of motor bikes at a veteran’s rally
The alarming siren sound of the ambulances and fire engines

But perhaps sometimes we would prefer the opposite
It’s not Wheesht we want it’s welcome sound of any kind
Like
The first words of an infant
The response of a person awakening from a coma
The “I do” at the altar on the Wedding Day
The let me help you – of a loving friend
The good news from a consultant after you MRI scan
The phone call to say – You’ve got the job!

Wheesht when you should but not for ever

Ken Fisher

A I B U

 

A I B U?

Am I being Unreasonable?

Am I being unreasonable
When I ask what’s for tea
As I’ve had a large lunch
And a snack will do me

Am I being unreasonable
When I expect you to pay
I coughed up all week
And it’s your turn today

Am I being unreasonable
When I say put on a clean shirt
For the job interview
Surely that’s not going to hurt

Am I being unreasonable
When I say you’re getting fat
It looks to me you’re becoming
A bloated plutocrat!

Am I being unreasonable
When I say it’s my turn to choose
Which TV channel to watch
Without giving excuse

Am I being unreasonable
When I say your hair’s turning grey
We ‘re all getting older
That’s all I say

Am I being unreasonable
In whatever I say
Perhaps I should pipe down
And call it a day!

Ken Fisher

Mountebank

Mountebank

Mountebank is an old-fashioned description
Of a person we might view with some suspicion
Someone to whom the truth is a stranger
Disregarding whoever they might endanger

Yet some mountebanks receive our affection
Despite evident flaws and clear imperfection
In fact it seems their shortcomings and chinks in the armour
Enhance their charisma adding even more glamour!

And now you might ask who these mountebanks are?
I suggest you don’t need to cast your thoughts far
Certain politicians of cabinet rank
Well known for failing to always be frank

Without doubt politics requires the skills of a clown
Able to climb back up when you’ve been knocked down
Political debate filled with confrontation
Every exchange can become altercation

The mountebank is more than a simple buffoon
Whose behaviour will change any time soon
Their jocular manner, bright disposition
Means they achieve wide recognition

Mountebanks exist in other professions
Those holding high office in different vocations
CEO’s, judges, medics, architects, all expert contractors
Many seem to have been trained as comic actors!

So perhaps the mountebank should not be derided
Their eccentric personality not seen as lop-sided
There is no doubt virtue among all the vice
And a little clowning surely adds spice!

Ken Fisher

 

No-Shows

No-Shows

“No-shows” are those who we had duly invited
Whose actual presence we surely expected
But for reasons unknown they failed to appear
Whatever has happened remains quite unclear

Their names all printed on the voters roll
A high turn-out is each party’s goal
On election day, their name’s still a blank
And for this omission we don’t know who to thank

Then there are those who won’t take the jab of vaccine
At the centre staff wait, but they’re nowhere to be seen
The syringes are all ready the people to protect
But without plea or excuse they simply defect

Doctors and dentists sometimes join the fray
If you don’t turn up on the expected day
Mind you, if you do, they can still keep you late
This frequently seems to be a poor patient’s fate

But perhaps the worst no-show I’m sure you’ll decide
When at the altar the groom’s lost the bride
The groom stands there waiting that he might be wed
His bride and her father gone AWOL instead

So I hope you won’t resort to being a no-show
If you’re meant to be there you really must go
From whatever duty don’t be an abstention
Avoiding the need for some crisis prevention

 

Ken Fisher

WOW!

WOW!

 

WOW, that expression of huge surprise
Signified by widening eyes
The unexpected news event
Shock reaction we can’t prevent

Somehow we did not anticipate
Arrival so precipitate
Of good fortune landing in our lap
Much more likely some mishap

WOW signifies astonishment
At unforeseen accomplishment
Who would have known? We must exclaim
The loser joins the hall of fame!

WOW expressed in admiration
At some achievement, new creation
Amazed we stand with mouth agape
As novel artifact takes shape

Cynics sometimes express WOW
Can’t believe the why and how
Their WOW has such a hollow ring
Of your praises they won’t sing

But mostly WOW means genuine praise
As the flag they keenly wave
Well done, plaudits much deserved
Congratulations unreserved

Ken Fisher

 

Do Grasshoppers Have Low Self-Esteem?

Do Grasshoppers Have Low Self-Esteem?

The Queen’s Speech to Parliament has made it quite clear
Some animals have emotions like pleasure and fear
So a new Bill will in due course be brought into law
Could mean a fine if you squash Fido’s paw

Apparently if your pet has a backbone
Its rights as a creature can’t be overthrown
It’s a sentient being, sometimes happy or sad
If we upset him he’s bound to get mad

This set me wondering if I’d come a cropper
If I was cruel to a resident friendly grasshopper
Would his self-esteem be deeply offended
If I swiped at him while quite undefended

This whole notion raises issues philosophical
Even of categories quite hierarchical
Are some creatures deserving of greater respect?
While others we can quite simply neglect

I wonder if all creatures have an opinion
As king of the jungle or just a mere minion
Does a snake have a grand conceit of herself
Or the hamster abandoned on  the pet shop shelf

Birds of the air and fish of the sea
For legal protection they might have a plea
The problem is to know where to draw the line
At the golden eagle or the sharp porcupine

I’m afraid these limits can’t be clearly defined
I’m content to accept that all humankind
Deserve our respect for their self-esteem
But for slugs don’t send us to jail, that’s much too extreme

One final point about the humble grasshopper
Its jumping performance is quite a show-stopper
It can spring to a height many times its own length
You have admit that must take great strength

Ken Fisher

Sin

Sin

 

 

Sin
A curiously old-fashioned word
Perhaps even an antiquated concept
The old adage – it is a Sin to steal a pin!
Who steals pins these days?

Sin
What is it?

Many things is would appear
From peccadillos to mortal offences
Insulting those we should revere
Crimes that merit no defences

Original sin in Eden perpetrated
Mankind’s innocence destroyed
From guilt no longer separated
Gone all goodness unalloyed

Lapses, faults, larceny, transgressions
Falling from grace, short of the mark
Sins of commission and of omission
Slanderous words, the unkind remark

And what of all those Biblical sins?
Lust and pride, envy and greed
Much worse than just a stolen pin
Gluttony, sloth not mere misdeeds

Sin abounds when we are tempted
By this world’s blandishments
Our resistance sorely tested
Disregarding punishment

Life needs sin to give it relish
From virtuous boredom be released
Its grey canvas to embellish
Peppered with impious yeast

Ken Fisher

The Tyranny of the Password

The Tyranny of the Password

To compare this with Covid may seem quite absurd
But I’m almost as scared of the missing password
When we cannot remember these numbers and letters
Our hands are tied as if by tight fetters

These digital door keys prevent interference
Meant to protect our bank balance from disappearance
To the hands of some hacker of ill repute
Intent on swiping away all our loot

So with every aspect of computer filing
Requests for a password sets us compiling
A secret code to keep data secure
Safely concealed there for evermore

It is then that we need to be quite inventive
Complex passwords can be preventive
Of those who would all our secrets expose
Our facts and figures that no one else knows

The names of long dead pets, or gran’s date of birth
That primary school teacher if we think she was worth
Of incorporation into a password obscure
A combination that might long endure

This all sounds fine as far as it goes
Except when we need to enter the password and letters transpose
Or worst of all we suffer from total amnesia
Our brain dormant as through anaesthesia

We try to recall where the password record is hidden
We search our machine but all access forbidden
The more times we try the wrong combination
Now struck by panic and mighty frustration

In the end we may have all hope to abandon
All this computing is far too demanding
Just keep all your records in a box under your bed
Where password tyranny can  no longer cause dread

Ken Fisher

You’re Muted!

You’re Muted!

The dictionary defines “mute” as
Adjective:
Refraining from speech
or temporarily speechless

Noun:
A person lacking the faculty of speech
A device on a phone or TV or another appliance
That turns off the sound

But since the advent of the extensive
use of the Zoom app
Mute, has gained a whole
lot more significance

Thus:
You appear on our screens
Your frame illuminated
Moving lips can be seen
But all sound confiscated

Your body language is quite animated
Wishing the current topic to be debated
But no sound can be heard in our attentive ears
Your impact on us simply disappears

We know the problem of which you’re unaware
We all try to tell you with a waving fanfare
But all our signals somehow go unseen
Only silence emerges from your flickering screen

At last, bemused by our gestures you reach the conclusion
Between us and you there is some confusion
We all want to ensure that you participate
To achieve this your mike needs to activate

The penny then drops and falls down the chute
It dawns on you that you must simply un-mute
And to the cheers of all who anxiously wait
You click the icon to let sound emanate

And so at last we achieve that blessed concord
When we can see you and hear every word
Un-muting is vital for full participation
But only if the host grants that dispensation

Ken Fisher