Please Keep Your Distance!

Please Keep Your Distance!

[This poem written in the light of latest tight
restrictions on freedom thanks to the pandemic]

The message for today shouts loud and clear
Intended to warn, it can induce fear
This strong injunction brooks no resistance
Demanding quite clearly – Please keep your distance!

Two metres would seem to be the optimum space
Between each other when we come face to face
And if nearer to that I see you advance
I must pirouette past in an intricate dance

The rules about distancing are highly developed
In lists and notices these commands are enveloped
Great powers on the authorities have been bestowed
Check them now on your phone with a QR Code

Outside the buildings the rules are less strict
A little more freedom from demands that restrict
But inside we must obey the floor plan
Follow the arrows as close as you can

In bars, restaurants and cafes, tables are spaced far apart
Cosy dinners for two with your dear sweetheart
When you hoped your liaison might well advance
Find two metres distance can stymie romance

Then there are also practical points to consider
And here I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t snigger
A gent requiring the toilet due to an excess of beer
Saw half the “stalls” labelled – Please don’t pee here!

So in conclusion I will not criticise
The imposition of distance rules is truly quite wise
But I plead that to each other we show toleration
Throughout this lockdown of whatever duration

Ken Fisher

Trees

Trees

[A humorous glance at]

Trees.   There they are
But we don’t often think much about them
Not unless there is a mighty gale blowing
And we think one is going to fall on us
Or in a thunderstorm – don’t stand under
One or you might become a lightning conductor!

Trees are woody perennial plants
That have an elongated stem – the trunk
Below the trunk there are roots
Then branches and leaves
Reaching upwards [unless a weeping willow]
Ambitious creatures!

There are myriad different trees
Boy scouts used to learn their names
Then burn bits of them in the campfire
Coniferous – with cones – for Christmas
Deciduous – with leaves that fall
OK for logging and carpentry

When a tree is cut down
You can check its age by the rings!
Similar to an old man’s scrawny neck
[but don’t cut him down]
But mostly we just let trees get
On with life – they do no harm

Children of wealthy families
Can have a tree house
Where they can view their neighbours
From their lofty position
Not just physically
But socially

Trees evidently help the world to breathe
Which right now is especially kind of them
The technical term is photosynthesis
But let’s not worry about that
Simply stop destroying trees
And get planting – they take years to grow!

Apparently trees have lots of other uses
They stabilise the soil
They prevent water run off
They can cool our homes and streets
And if any tree is giving you a headache
Don’t forget aspirin is extracted from trees!

Ken Fisher

Gossip

Gossip

Have you heard the latest…………..?
Wait until you hear this………………
Don’t you just love it
To hear something is amiss

Chimps indulge in grooming
To endear one to the other
Humans like to gossip
Telling tales of one another

The juiciest of gossip
Of faults and indiscretions
Of peccadillos, little lapses
The stuff of true confessions

It’s odd that gossip rarely
Compliments or praises
Says little of kindly deeds
Just scandal that amazes

Doubtless gossip has a purpose
That’s surely not malignant
And the hypocrite within us
Really ought not be indignant

I retail my tittle tattle
And you then reciprocate
Thus we bond together
As chimps might congregate

Ken Fisher

So

Have you noticed how often
People use the word ‘so’?
All sorts of functions
On ‘so’ they bestow

In answers to questions
‘so’ starts the reply
Then follows the answer
That lets you know why

So is used as an adverb
Meaning to such an extent
So we describe a thing’s size
Thus its scale represents

So is a conjunction
And can be employed as a link
So, instead of ‘and then’
Can be useful I think

So also appears
In so many phrases
As in so on and so forth
We thus sing its praises

But perhaps so is now used
To emphasise what we say
So start off with so
Your profound words to convey!

So what? I hear you say.

Ken Fisher

On-Screen Appearance

On-Screen Appearance

[Communication as required under coronavirus!]

In these unusual days when we self-isolate
We have to find new ways to communicate
So as we position ourselves in front of our screen
We are somewhat concerned about how we are seen

Of course the first problem is to make the connection
And it takes time and practice to find the selection
Do we use ZOOM or Facetime or perhaps even Skype?
And then we must know when to click or to swipe

Now I know it’s important that we should not seem vain
But appearances count you know, all the same
As we appear on your screen we make an impression
Best with positive stance and a smiling expression

But our face is not all that our contacts can view
The way we are clothed they clearly see too
So for this on-screen discourse there is a prerequisite
We need to consider what is good etiquette

Many think that when we are not meeting face to face
A smart appearance we can simply forsake
But I suggest that if we wish to remain business-like
Competence is the mien that we must still strike

But not all our Zooming is for important transactions
Quite often it’s with family or friends we have interactions
Fashion might not then be our primary concern
So to a more casual style we can return

Thus in the morning jogging bottoms may be quite OK
In the afternoon my new jumper can be on display
But in the evening perhaps when you might see me close up
Hair nicely combed, and for the ladies(?)– make-up!

And you might think that as we are all more remote
Dress sense we no longer need to promote
But I hope you will find these guidelines deserve our adherence
In such isolation don’t ignore your on-screen appearance!

Ken Fisher

Think Happy Thoughts!

Think Happy Thoughts

 

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What might be the cure for the doom and gloom
When joy in our hearts fails to find any room?
What can we do to expel doubt and fear
And fill once again our minds with good cheer

Some suggest we might resort to philosophy
To lift us up from the depths of despondency
By thinking great thoughts our minds will improve
Anxious worries may hopefully thus be removed

Other gurus, psychology would then advocate
Our problem’s with thinking and how we relate
The external world to our inner perception
Our concerns and issues are mere self-deception

Theology also should not be ignored
Surely faith’s realm might be duly explored
But perhaps religion might make us feel worse
And prove less of a boon and more of a curse

Positive thinking may yet give us a boost
Thus a happier mood might be quickly induced
Just such a message is proudly displayed
On these T- Shirts which surely might yet some persuade!

But to bring this poem right up to date
When Covid-19 might determine our fate
And happy thoughts may be in short supply
You must just ‘stay at home’ and put life on standby

Ken Fisher

 

Knight Errant

Knight Errant

[Knight Errant – a medieval knight wandering
In search of chivalrous adventures]

Glaswegians will quickly recognise
This knight acting oh so wise
Head festooned with traffic cone
With face mask, he’s not now alone

Hope he might be quick to scare away
The major threat of this our day
Get coronavirus on the run
This looming threat is no real fun

To the rescue comes our knight
Push this beastie out of sight
You can conquer in such style
That once again Glasgow can smile

Ken Fisher

[with gratitude to the designer of
the additions to the statue of
the Duke of Wellington]

A Valentine For Your Pet

A Valentine for your Pet

 

This is the day to send your good wishes
Accompanied by lots of passionate kisses
Lovers worldwide awaiting the post
For that one letter they hope for the most

That’s all very well for humans to fret
But let’s not forget the love-struck pet
Your moggy might be awaiting a card
And to be left out would be quite hard

So to ensure their pets don’t feel deprived
To include their doggy they have contrived
To send a valentine to that beloved pet
In case their devotion we are inclined to forget

You may think it’s mad to act in this way
But even for pets it’s a significant day
So don’t leave them out of your celebration
They want to be sure of your adoration!

Ken Fisher

The Chateau and the Gateau

The Chateau and the Gateau

Poor Harry and Meghan have been told it’s not on
Their fairy tale has reached its denouement
They really cannot be that conceited
To keep all the cake and then simply eat it

The chateau an ideal place to abide in
The cake just the thing to get your teeth in
But why should the subjects be expected to pay
From taxation extracted from their daily wage?

We don’t wish to be unkind and seen to be mean
But to afford part-time royals we’re not very keen
Most of the people work hard every day
And the Sussex proposal they viewed with dismay

So Meghan and Harry and even Baby Archie
Have no doubt had quite a loud argy-bargy
But they now know how most of us feel
And we’re not coming up with any new deal

So I hope all goes well on the far distant shore
And with America they will not get bored
Star quality like Harry and glitzy young Meg
Are unlikely to find that they need to beg

So in the meantime as we bid them farewell
Who needs an HRH their career to propel?
They’re bound to succeed with their oodles of charm
And a little hardship might do them no harm

Ken Fisher

Note: the headline Chateau and Gateau is the invention of the UK
Sunday Press

Social Kissing – a nightmare at New Year

SOCIAL KISSING – A nightmare at New Year

How to handle New Year’s greetings?

Unknown

 

It may just be that there is something I’m missing
But I’m perplexed by the rules about ‘social kissing’
For this without doubt is a real pressing question
And I would be pleased to hear your suggestions

For most of my life we controlled our emotion
Kissing reserved to show real deep devotion
For parents to children or husband to wife
But rarely to others in everyday life

But now that’s all changed and we kiss everyone
And I’m inclined to think it is much overdone
Not just our family or fairly close mates
Or young lovers embracing on their very first dates

No, today it would seem it is quite de rigueur
The habit ‘s almost become like a force majeure
No matter how casual may be the connection
We feel obligated to show our affection

But what is expected, a peck on the cheek?
Perhaps for many that may seem too weak
Go the whole hog, I say with a shrug
And grasp my victim in a mighty bear hug!

Then there’s the problem of which side comes first
Get it wrong and your sore head will need to be nursed
As your nose swipes across your acquaintance’s face
You will try to disguise the emerging grimace

The kiss straight on the lips might indeed satisfy
No doubt a technique that most bounders might try
But for those less red-blooded let’s keep it cool
Anyway, inappropriate kissing might prove you a fool

And now greeting each other in this a New Year
The procedure has assuredly filled me with fear
Back in the day we simply shook hands
Today full-hearted embrace is what custom demands

So where does this leave us, is there no protocol
For modern behaviour – no guidance at all?
Perhaps we should return to the well-tried handshake
And give all this kissing and hugging a break
Ken Fisher

 

[Original idea for this poem from the Daily Telegraph]

Shehovah

Shehovah

If God is a woman how would we feel?
Would that idea have great appeal?
Would traditionalists be thrown into confusion
Or accept it as an advance in social inclusion

For a few this proposal is somewhat heretical
Contrary to earlier pronouncements prophetical
Where God as a man is always depicted
His gender thus never been contradicted

But others might say that God need not be man
Being all-powerful, to change he certainly can
And if to trans to a woman is the preferred choice
At least half of creation might well rejoice

After all in this age of universal equality
We need not be concerned with causality
If God has decided that he is a she
We must accept it I’m sure you’ll agree

Of course a womanly God can bring advantage
There are few things a lady can’t readily manage
I know an omnipotent God can multi-task
And being female could cope with whatever we ask

So if God is a woman let’s not be upset
A lady-God is as good as you’ll get
Let not male pride send men into despair
Male or female this God will still surely care

Ken Fisher

I’m Absolutely Fine

I’m Absolutely Fine

When you’re feeling down
Your brow wears a frown
And you really just need to whine
You put on a brave face
Although you want to grimace
And say I’m absolutely fine

From the pressures of life
All its troubles and strife
When there’s never quite enough time
There is too much to do
And it’s all down to you
But still I’m absolutely fine

When it seems no-one cares
And you’re nearly in tears
You might even need to resign
But you just soldier on
When the others have gone
‘Cos your still absolutely fine

Perhaps you must learn
That the peace that you yearn
Which all your hopes will enshrine
You can only attain
When you learn to complain
Saying I am NOT absolutely fine!

Ken Fisher