So

Have you noticed how often
People use the word ‘so’?
All sorts of functions
On ‘so’ they bestow

In answers to questions
‘so’ starts the reply
Then follows the answer
That lets you know why

So is used as an adverb
Meaning to such an extent
So we describe a thing’s size
Thus its scale represents

So is a conjunction
And can be employed as a link
So, instead of ‘and then’
Can be useful I think

So also appears
In so many phrases
As in so on and so forth
We thus sing its praises

But perhaps so is now used
To emphasise what we say
So start off with so
Your profound words to convey!

So what? I hear you say.

Ken Fisher

On-Screen Appearance

On-Screen Appearance

[Communication as required under coronavirus!]

In these unusual days when we self-isolate
We have to find new ways to communicate
So as we position ourselves in front of our screen
We are somewhat concerned about how we are seen

Of course the first problem is to make the connection
And it takes time and practice to find the selection
Do we use ZOOM or Facetime or perhaps even Skype?
And then we must know when to click or to swipe

Now I know it’s important that we should not seem vain
But appearances count you know, all the same
As we appear on your screen we make an impression
Best with positive stance and a smiling expression

But our face is not all that our contacts can view
The way we are clothed they clearly see too
So for this on-screen discourse there is a prerequisite
We need to consider what is good etiquette

Many think that when we are not meeting face to face
A smart appearance we can simply forsake
But I suggest that if we wish to remain business-like
Competence is the mien that we must still strike

But not all our Zooming is for important transactions
Quite often it’s with family or friends we have interactions
Fashion might not then be our primary concern
So to a more casual style we can return

Thus in the morning jogging bottoms may be quite OK
In the afternoon my new jumper can be on display
But in the evening perhaps when you might see me close up
Hair nicely combed, and for the ladies(?)– make-up!

And you might think that as we are all more remote
Dress sense we no longer need to promote
But I hope you will find these guidelines deserve our adherence
In such isolation don’t ignore your on-screen appearance!

Ken Fisher

Think Happy Thoughts!

Think Happy Thoughts

 

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What might be the cure for the doom and gloom
When joy in our hearts fails to find any room?
What can we do to expel doubt and fear
And fill once again our minds with good cheer

Some suggest we might resort to philosophy
To lift us up from the depths of despondency
By thinking great thoughts our minds will improve
Anxious worries may hopefully thus be removed

Other gurus, psychology would then advocate
Our problem’s with thinking and how we relate
The external world to our inner perception
Our concerns and issues are mere self-deception

Theology also should not be ignored
Surely faith’s realm might be duly explored
But perhaps religion might make us feel worse
And prove less of a boon and more of a curse

Positive thinking may yet give us a boost
Thus a happier mood might be quickly induced
Just such a message is proudly displayed
On these T- Shirts which surely might yet some persuade!

But to bring this poem right up to date
When Covid-19 might determine our fate
And happy thoughts may be in short supply
You must just ‘stay at home’ and put life on standby

Ken Fisher

 

Knight Errant

Knight Errant

[Knight Errant – a medieval knight wandering
In search of chivalrous adventures]

Glaswegians will quickly recognise
This knight acting oh so wise
Head festooned with traffic cone
With face mask, he’s not now alone

Hope he might be quick to scare away
The major threat of this our day
Get coronavirus on the run
This looming threat is no real fun

To the rescue comes our knight
Push this beastie out of sight
You can conquer in such style
That once again Glasgow can smile

Ken Fisher

[with gratitude to the designer of
the additions to the statue of
the Duke of Wellington]

A Valentine For Your Pet

A Valentine for your Pet

 

This is the day to send your good wishes
Accompanied by lots of passionate kisses
Lovers worldwide awaiting the post
For that one letter they hope for the most

That’s all very well for humans to fret
But let’s not forget the love-struck pet
Your moggy might be awaiting a card
And to be left out would be quite hard

So to ensure their pets don’t feel deprived
To include their doggy they have contrived
To send a valentine to that beloved pet
In case their devotion we are inclined to forget

You may think it’s mad to act in this way
But even for pets it’s a significant day
So don’t leave them out of your celebration
They want to be sure of your adoration!

Ken Fisher

The Chateau and the Gateau

The Chateau and the Gateau

Poor Harry and Meghan have been told it’s not on
Their fairy tale has reached its denouement
They really cannot be that conceited
To keep all the cake and then simply eat it

The chateau an ideal place to abide in
The cake just the thing to get your teeth in
But why should the subjects be expected to pay
From taxation extracted from their daily wage?

We don’t wish to be unkind and seen to be mean
But to afford part-time royals we’re not very keen
Most of the people work hard every day
And the Sussex proposal they viewed with dismay

So Meghan and Harry and even Baby Archie
Have no doubt had quite a loud argy-bargy
But they now know how most of us feel
And we’re not coming up with any new deal

So I hope all goes well on the far distant shore
And with America they will not get bored
Star quality like Harry and glitzy young Meg
Are unlikely to find that they need to beg

So in the meantime as we bid them farewell
Who needs an HRH their career to propel?
They’re bound to succeed with their oodles of charm
And a little hardship might do them no harm

Ken Fisher

Note: the headline Chateau and Gateau is the invention of the UK
Sunday Press

Social Kissing – a nightmare at New Year

SOCIAL KISSING – A nightmare at New Year

How to handle New Year’s greetings?

Unknown

 

It may just be that there is something I’m missing
But I’m perplexed by the rules about ‘social kissing’
For this without doubt is a real pressing question
And I would be pleased to hear your suggestions

For most of my life we controlled our emotion
Kissing reserved to show real deep devotion
For parents to children or husband to wife
But rarely to others in everyday life

But now that’s all changed and we kiss everyone
And I’m inclined to think it is much overdone
Not just our family or fairly close mates
Or young lovers embracing on their very first dates

No, today it would seem it is quite de rigueur
The habit ‘s almost become like a force majeure
No matter how casual may be the connection
We feel obligated to show our affection

But what is expected, a peck on the cheek?
Perhaps for many that may seem too weak
Go the whole hog, I say with a shrug
And grasp my victim in a mighty bear hug!

Then there’s the problem of which side comes first
Get it wrong and your sore head will need to be nursed
As your nose swipes across your acquaintance’s face
You will try to disguise the emerging grimace

The kiss straight on the lips might indeed satisfy
No doubt a technique that most bounders might try
But for those less red-blooded let’s keep it cool
Anyway, inappropriate kissing might prove you a fool

And now greeting each other in this a New Year
The procedure has assuredly filled me with fear
Back in the day we simply shook hands
Today full-hearted embrace is what custom demands

So where does this leave us, is there no protocol
For modern behaviour – no guidance at all?
Perhaps we should return to the well-tried handshake
And give all this kissing and hugging a break
Ken Fisher

 

[Original idea for this poem from the Daily Telegraph]

Shehovah

Shehovah

If God is a woman how would we feel?
Would that idea have great appeal?
Would traditionalists be thrown into confusion
Or accept it as an advance in social inclusion

For a few this proposal is somewhat heretical
Contrary to earlier pronouncements prophetical
Where God as a man is always depicted
His gender thus never been contradicted

But others might say that God need not be man
Being all-powerful, to change he certainly can
And if to trans to a woman is the preferred choice
At least half of creation might well rejoice

After all in this age of universal equality
We need not be concerned with causality
If God has decided that he is a she
We must accept it I’m sure you’ll agree

Of course a womanly God can bring advantage
There are few things a lady can’t readily manage
I know an omnipotent God can multi-task
And being female could cope with whatever we ask

So if God is a woman let’s not be upset
A lady-God is as good as you’ll get
Let not male pride send men into despair
Male or female this God will still surely care

Ken Fisher

I’m Absolutely Fine

I’m Absolutely Fine

When you’re feeling down
Your brow wears a frown
And you really just need to whine
You put on a brave face
Although you want to grimace
And say I’m absolutely fine

From the pressures of life
All its troubles and strife
When there’s never quite enough time
There is too much to do
And it’s all down to you
But still I’m absolutely fine

When it seems no-one cares
And you’re nearly in tears
You might even need to resign
But you just soldier on
When the others have gone
‘Cos your still absolutely fine

Perhaps you must learn
That the peace that you yearn
Which all your hopes will enshrine
You can only attain
When you learn to complain
Saying I am NOT absolutely fine!

Ken Fisher

The Redoubtable Ms Clarke

The Redoubtable Ms Clarke

 

They said at the start “It’s a position of trust”
And accuracy is an absolute ‘must’
Ms Clarke was aware of the need for discretion
They would not tolerate any transgression

Despite these quite rigorous stipulations
Perhaps even because she liked tight regulations
Ms Clarke was happy to work for that firm
And her acceptance of all she would gladly affirm

Her duties covered a significant range
Receipts and payments, often foreign exchange
Processing documents, checking the prices
Extensive use of computer devices

Payroll and wages presented no problems
Her awareness of tax was really quite awesome
Marginal costing, credit control, even VAT
To Ms Clarke a cinch, unlike you or me

Trial balance, profit and loss, bank reconciliation
All processed without the slightest vexation
The final accounts from these easily prepared
Her bosses, amazed, just stood there and stared!

Thus Ms Clarke was well on the way to a godlike status
As master of the whole admin apparatus
But then it became something of a surprise
To find in the ointment there was a small fly

For actual money handling there was little call
But in this obscure corner began Ms Clarke’s fall
Most firms still have need of some petty cash
And with that fund employees sometimes get rash

The amounts of money are merely a trickle
But nonetheless one might get into a pickle
The total fund is called an imprest
But these small amounts can herald distress

Ms Clarke somehow succumbed to temptation
Perhaps she thought she deserved compensation
Anyway by a relentless process of syphoning off
From her worthy employer she performed a rip-off

Gradually over many months and years
A large sum of money would disappear
But because the account was still called ‘petty’
Not large paper, more like confetti

But one day when Ms Clarke went off on vacation
The auditors expressed a little vexation
About lack of clarity in Ms Clarke’s account
Which spawned in their mind some significant doubt

So while Ms Clarke basked in the sunshine of foreign climes
It became clear she had perpetrated exorbitant crimes
Her petty fraud had resulted in a vast accumulation
Exposed by this somewhat belated examination

On return Ms Clarke became the subject of an inquisition
The result of which, an unwilling admission
That she had helped herself to what she believed she was due
To label her as a thief was not really true

But I am afraid the majesty of the law extended its arm
Claiming that to condone fraud would result in great harm
Ms Clarke was reminded of her position of trust
Where not only accuracy but integrity was clearly a must

Poor Ms Clarke found her freedom somewhat restricted
As of fraud our hero was duly convicted
The law was thus applied in appropriate measure
Detained for some years at Her Majesty’s pleasure

Ken Fisher

X Marks the Scot

X Marks the Scot

 

X Marks the Scot

 

I saw a chap today quite proudly besporting
A tee shirt indicating whom he seemed to be supporting
But I may be mistaken in making such assumption
Perhaps about his politics I have made a wrong presumption

Emblazoned on his chest like cattle being branded
The saltire sign displayed quite heavy-handed
But that white cross simply marked the spot
Which contained the ample torso of a plucky Scot

For it seems to me that the Nats have no real monopoly
Of what constitutes Scottishness as defined by anthropology
When you are casting your vote X might mark the spot
But surely not the totality of what we mean by Scot

It has been said that a true Scotsman can be identified
By up-skirting him when he wears his kilt with pride
But I doubt if this dubious procedure would really prove conclusive
And in these PC days would be considered most abusive

So the marks of the Scot, of either sex or none
Are not just a flag, however it’s homespun
It’s about an attitude of openness that welcomes all the world
Symbolised in that white cross when our flag’s unfurled

Ken Fisher

 

Scunnered

Scunnered

Scunnered with Brexit
Why can’t they fixit?
Scunnered with the News
It just gives me the blues
Scunnered with food
That may do me no good
Scunnered with pundits
Who expect all our plaudits
Scunnered with tradesmen
Who defect when I need them
Scunnered when buses fail to show up
Then three arrive, only one can pick up
Scunnered with prices that keep on rising
Especially for things I find appetizing
And so it goes on, scunners without any end
Surely there is something I can still recommend!

Ken Fisher