Modern Job Titles

Modern Job titles

 

I am tempted to say ‘you can’t be serious’!
When I hear of new jobs with titles mysterious
‘Chief Impact Officer’ for our Royal Prince
So lofty a role, it’s bound to convince

I suppose if your’re no longer an HRH
You need something to put ice on your cake
And there is little doubt he’ll consider the fact
That somehow he still needs to make real impact

While trawling articles in the national press
I came across job titles that are bound to impress
But the meaning of these seem rather obscure
What the holders actually do I am quite unsure

I am hoping that someone out there can make clear
The vital role of the new ‘Happiness Engineer’
And if the ‘Brand Warrior’ looms into sight
It does not signify we are in for a fight

Some businesses employ an on-board psychiatrist
But a new version has emerged – the ‘Dream Alchemist’
Corporate fluffery uses different approaches
Providing work for those gurus – ‘Lifestyle Coaches’

Virtue signalling is apparently all the rage
In woke capitalism, the spirit of the age
Hence the departure from jobs with any real work
Demanding graft that really might hurt

Perhaps it’s just me but I like to know what is meant
By a job specification full of puzzlement
The terms should be devoid of opaque illusion
Thus removing  all doubt and confusion

Recruitment agencies must now be creative
Inventing job descriptions quite innovative
Coaxing clients to apply for roles enigmatic
Success only assured to the most charismatic

Ken Fisher

The Tyranny of the Password

The Tyranny of the Password

To compare this with Covid may seem quite absurd
But I’m almost as scared of the missing password
When we cannot remember these numbers and letters
Our hands are tied as if by tight fetters

These digital door keys prevent interference
Meant to protect our bank balance from disappearance
To the hands of some hacker of ill repute
Intent on swiping away all our loot

So with every aspect of computer filing
Requests for a password sets us compiling
A secret code to keep data secure
Safely concealed there for evermore

It is then that we need to be quite inventive
Complex passwords can be preventive
Of those who would all our secrets expose
Our facts and figures that no one else knows

The names of long dead pets, or gran’s date of birth
That primary school teacher if we think she was worth
Of incorporation into a password obscure
A combination that might long endure

This all sounds fine as far as it goes
Except when we need to enter the password and letters transpose
Or worst of all we suffer from total amnesia
Our brain dormant as through anaesthesia

We try to recall where the password record is hidden
We search our machine but all access forbidden
The more times we try the wrong combination
Now struck by panic and mighty frustration

In the end we may have all hope to abandon
All this computing is far too demanding
Just keep all your records in a box under your bed
Where password tyranny can  no longer cause dread

Ken Fisher

Wokeplace

Wokeplace
[The Modern Workplace]

In the modern wokeplace I rather regret
You must watch what you say in case you upset
Your colleagues sensitive to today’s social issues
Non-PC opinions may make them reach for the tissues!

Of course few would deny that we must be aware
That society’s divisions are often unfair
And to promote justice we all should endeavour
That no class of people suffer disfavour

But I wonder if perhaps it has all gone too far
Historical figures removed from the repertoire
Of those who heretofore we all have respected
Their toppled statues lying there look dejected

The history books a rewrite require
Heroes to whose ideals we should no longer aspire
How have the mighty fallen the wokeists declare
Ignoring our pleas that this might be unfair

In the wokeplace there is a new atmosphere
Where any criticism may well induce fear
Woke opinions are strong on the concerns of today
We cannot ignore them or try to downplay

No doubt woke values deserve consideration
Race, sex, equality, slave-like  discrimination
Social media has ensured these issues prevail
Public reaction on a quite momentous scale

I simply make a plea for moderation
No knee-jerk reaction across the nation
Don’t vilify the pioneers of our great institutions
Or force us all living today to take their retribution

Ken Fisher

Gobbledegook

Gobbledegook

No matter how hard I try
To pierce the impenetrable
To fathom the who or why
Make sense of the unintelligible

The problem is language obscure
Using terms utterly recondite
Employed as if quite de jure
But devoid of any clear light

Gobbledegook is a device
Intended to increase prestige
So that when you get any advice
You will acknowledge true expertise

But the problem then seems to be
No matter how many the words
It sheds even less light for me
And you may find it quite absurd

Have you ever tried to make sense
Of a modern job application?
Terms defying all common-sense
No clue to the real occupation

Strategic plans are quite renowned
To result in much obfuscation
In management-speak they abound
‘Road maps’ with a vague destination!

All this clever sleight of hand
Spawned the profession of ‘consultant’
They have developed their own pricey brand
To make jobs for executives now redundant

In the world of the academic
It is vital to be thinking profound
In their lofty submissions polemic
Opacity with mystery compound

In every field jargon seems to triumph
Theology, Astronomy, Medicine, Mathematics
It sounds like some professional alliance
Our ignorance their intended contrivance

It would seem if they simplify
That the layperson might understand
Making sense of that who and that why
The giddy heights they’d no longer command

Thus gobbledegook has proliferated
Plain ideas wrapped up in disguise
Our plea is to be liberated
Then they might open our eyes!

Ken Fisher

FOMO – Fear of Missing Out

FOMO
[Fear of Missing Out]

Apart from the dreaded virus
Is this the malady of our age?
FOMO Fear Of Missing Out

But what might be the missing items?
Could it be some of these?

When you are just a young girl or boy
You simply must have the latest toy
It’s no use being told these things are just trash
And your parents can’t afford to spend so much cash

As you grow into those teenage years
FOMO brings on some serious fears
Unless you can sport the trendiest gear
Your complete deprivation will bring on a tear!

You loudly declare that all of your in-crowd
Have smart phones and tablets of which to be proud
You have missed out in this tech revolution
And demand that your parents find a solution

After schooling’s complete you need to progress
A top university is bound to be best
But your school achievements are rather pathetic
No clear indication of the mind academic

In time you emerge with an unimpressive degree
To the working world you’ve been set free
But where is that promise of a future so bright?
I am sorry to say it’s nowhere in sight

Eventually you aspire to some modest employment
Into which your limited talents might find deployment
Job satisfaction is the least of your care
But the minimum wage you consider unfair

On somewhere to live you must not miss out
The old family home is no place to hangout
But the bank manager soon puts you into a rage
When he declares the cost of a mortgage

And so FOMO continues as you progress through life
Why so much pressure to find husband or wife?
There is nothing wrong with the single life
One way of avoiding continual strife

But if you do eventually tie the knot
Married or partnered it matters not
In due time FOMO might well arise
If no baby appears for you to baptise

Next, in your job, you miss out on promotion
This results in a display of rampant emotion
The world is patently unfair and unjust
Is there no-one left in whom you can trust?

And so as you go through all of life’s phases
You’re afraid you’ll miss something at each of these stages
You wonder if you will ever be set free from this tension
When at last you are granted the meagre state pension

What is the moral of this woeful tale?
You should not allow FOMO to be some kind of blackmail
You should completely expunge all these irrational fears
And Missing Out phobia will soon disappear

Ken Fisher

Tech Frenzy

Tech Frenzy

We have been forced to learn fast
‘Cause we need to survive
And new methods of working
We have all had to contrive

The office largely abandoned
For much of the time
Work geographically scattered
Is the new paradigm

Between every worker
Covid-19 demands enough space
All employees screened off
A mask on each face

Our home computer devices
Are working flat out
To keep up with demand
While office health is in doubt

All of us must improve our tech skills
This pressure puts many into a frenzy
Grasping the basics of Skype, Teams, and Zoom
A predicament few laymen would envy

Some say home working is just what they want
It gives them a freedom the office denies
But others claim that isn’t quite true
Monitored there by electronic “spies”

But it looks as if this is the new reality
Get tech savvy is the only road to success
Master the realms of cyberspace and the cloud
In all these techniques you need show your finesse

Ken Fisher

 

Please Keep Your Distance!

Please Keep Your Distance!

[This poem written in the light of latest tight
restrictions on freedom thanks to the pandemic]

The message for today shouts loud and clear
Intended to warn, it can induce fear
This strong injunction brooks no resistance
Demanding quite clearly – Please keep your distance!

Two metres would seem to be the optimum space
Between each other when we come face to face
And if nearer to that I see you advance
I must pirouette past in an intricate dance

The rules about distancing are highly developed
In lists and notices these commands are enveloped
Great powers on the authorities have been bestowed
Check them now on your phone with a QR Code

Outside the buildings the rules are less strict
A little more freedom from demands that restrict
But inside we must obey the floor plan
Follow the arrows as close as you can

In bars, restaurants and cafes, tables are spaced far apart
Cosy dinners for two with your dear sweetheart
When you hoped your liaison might well advance
Find two metres distance can stymie romance

Then there are also practical points to consider
And here I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t snigger
A gent requiring the toilet due to an excess of beer
Saw half the “stalls” labelled – Please don’t pee here!

So in conclusion I will not criticise
The imposition of distance rules is truly quite wise
But I plead that to each other we show toleration
Throughout this lockdown of whatever duration

Ken Fisher

Generational Civil War

Generational Civil War

A side effect of our current predicament
While the virus is still running amok
Is the increasing resentment the young might rightfully feel
Against us oldies shielded from shock

Saved from job loss ‘cause we’re now in retirement
Redundancy can’t bring us great tension
Better off than erstwhile, a few bob in the bank
Thanks to our defined benefit pensions

No need to worry about a roof over your head
Enriched by our house value’s inflation
We steadily climbed the property ladder
Ensuring our wealth’s escalation

In our safe fortress young folk espy
Us oldies quite smug and secure
And they ask is it right
The youth of today might yet stay forever poor?

To save us grey knobs from the menacing virus
The young are now paying the price
Cast on to the dole, locked up in their digs
It is  the youth who are made sacrifice

We know that the hope is to limit the spread
Of this virulent menacing plague
But need so many young people be hostage
To a threat which still remains vague?

Let’s hope we can avoid a civil war
Between each of our generations
Resolve to be fair to both young and old
Concerned for the whole population

So if the old are to ensure the balance restored
They need to be somewhat more generous
Accepting they must help to redistribute their wealth
To the young in a manner magnanimous

Ken Fisher

You Will Need to Un-Mute!

You Will Need to Un-Mute!

In the world of social media there has been a great boom
Not least if we consider the mushrooming of Zoom
It has been the front runner in the digital race
Since it’s no longer easy to meet face to face

Covid-19 has spawned new ways of meeting
For serious talk or just everyday greeting
We can’t get near to each other and have a hug
Accept social distance with a nod and a shrug

But getting linked up has been no easy task
Like trying to speak clearly behind a face mask
First of all we need to download the apps
A procedure fraught with technical traps

Then once we’ve completed necessary boxes
Designed to protect us from scams or from hoaxes
We need to ensure we can make the connection
And the system will not simply offer rejection

At last we will find that Zoom is up and running
Seeing all the faces of contacts can be quite stunning
To achieve this array we hoped that you knew
You have to click straight on to Gallery View

Now it may depend on who is the host
That is the person whose power is the most
But if we hope that we will be able to speak
We will need to master some simple techniques

The most common problem that seems to arise
To seasoned Zoomers this is not a surprise
Peoples’ lips are moving, they look rather cute
But no sound is broadcast because they need to unmute!

So don’t forget when in on-line meetings you are asked to take part
To check the micro-phone icon first is really smart
Thus when on your message you wish to expound
Un-mute yourself first or we can’t hear any sound!

Ken Fisher

Road Map for Life

Road Map for Life

You hear a lot these days
About a ‘Road Map’

Apparently it is a plan or strategy
Intended to achieve
A particular goal
 

So we may have ………

A road map out of lockdown
A road map for your career
A road map for peace
A road map towards independence
A road map towards buying your own home
A road map towards health and wealth

And so it goes on.  Especially ON
As the road moves onwards
So must we!

I don’t know if we can call the AA?
As we used to do when things went
Wrong on the road
But at least we will have
That Map to tell us where to go

Perhaps politicians
like road Maps
Because they suggest that
We are going somewhere
Even if we never quite arrive

Evangelists might hold up
A road map to heaven
The road may be long
But the prize is sublime

Financial advisers
Might dupe you with their road map
Using your money to bring about
Untold riches and ever increasing wealth
For whom? We might ask

Fitness instructors
Will draw up a road map
To bring us back to renewed
Health and energy

Some of these have echoes of the Funeral Plans
Tastefully marketed by the local undertaker!

You get the drift?
In every sphere of human endeavour

But now even the map has been superseded
By the GPS system that not only shows us the way
But tracks our progress every inch

Don’t you long for a world
Where maps can be ignored
Where you simply wander at will
And let the future take care of itself?

And as for all the grandiose plans
Of politicians, planners and pundits
Consign them to the file called ‘fiction’
Which contains all the flights of fancy

Ken Fisher

WFH

WFH 

Working From Home

Victim of this overwhelming pandemic
Of bodily contact we are now rather phobic
Thus the old office spaces are somewhat deserted
And the haven of home has now been converted

Whether by accident or by design
Working From Home is the new paradigm
Computers now parked on kitchen tables
Living room floors enmeshed in cables

For WFH is now commonplace
Domestic commerce we have to embrace
Goodbye fellow travellers on the daily commute
Confined to our house we all must stay put

Of course there are some gains without a doubt
With irritating colleagues we no longer hang out
And overbearing bosses are kept off our backs
Or the office comedian with his feeble wisecracks

But at home it may not always be quite serene
As your eyes become glazed at the flickering screen
If there’s children at home, or a pet that want’s out
There’s bound to be times when you just want to shout

At least at the office you just got on with your work
No domestic distractions that might make you shirk
On the other hand when WFH you feel you are free
To chat to a neighbour, take a fly cup of tea

Anyway as WFH is now part of our life
Let’s hope it doesn’t bring domestic strife
And that our labours at home will bring satisfaction
And the move to home working is affirmative action

Ken Fisher

BoMaD – Bank of Mum and Dad – revisited

BoMaD – Bank of Mum and Dad [Revisited]

Four years ago I penned the verses below
And I thought that by now the challenge might go
But Covid-19 has just made things more acute
On that property ladder to place the first foot

The problem it seems, jobs are no longer secure
That their earning power they cannot ensure
But to get enough mortgage to secure a first home
How on earth can these buyers take on a large loan?

On top of all this, family homes are overcrowded
Parents, by adult offspring, are once again surrounded
The plea we can hear, how can I break free!
Who will help me, this cramped refuge to flee?

…………………………………………

It would appear from press reports that if you’re short of cash
And trying to buy a house without the necessary stash
If you’re getting nowhere with the usual high street lenders
And chances of scaling the property ladder are getting ever slender

Then the best prospect for those who hold such aspirations
Is to maintain accord with your very close relations
Because it seems you will need to bring out that begging bowl
And ask your Mum and Dad if they will kindly you bankroll?

Costs of fleeing the nest seem to forever spiral
House price inflation having gone completely viral
So ‘baby boomer’ parents find that in this world gone mad
The desirable new brand is simply called BOMAD*

And offspring for sure are rarely being coy
As they latch on to this money-seeking ploy
As their elders have gained by rises o’er the years
And their bricks became a goldmine in common with their peers

So watch out all parents if you thought your wealth secure
You can’t ignore the pleadings of your kids who’re oh so poor
Cancel world cruises or a room in that care home
You’ll need to give your progeny more than chromosomes!

Ken Fisher

*BoMaD = Bank of Mum & Dad

Emblem: M&D from Shelter

Original version posted 3 May 2016