Category Archives: Humour

Poems with a humorous theme

Welcome, but Feared

Welcome but Feared

search

 

Welcome to the snow – it is not unexpected
Without this blanket white some might feel neglected
Thus a winter wonderland appears for our delight
Although it does seem for others to give them quite a fright

Because, while children in the snow are happy to cavort
Older folks may find their living turns quite fraught
And commuters on our roads and rails suffer travel woes
While youngsters of every age skid on the land that’s froze

So whatever is your point of view you’ll have to stick it out
Fortunately it’s usually only days before a turnabout
If we are lucky we will avoid any trials and tribulations
And warm and cosy by the window pane we may find consolation

Ken Fisher

p1110560

Grosvenor Terrace, Glasgow in the snow January 2017

 

Electric Blanket

Electric Blanket

search-1

One of the aspects of these dark winter nights
When we all bemoan loss of warmth and of light
Is the prospect of retiring early to bed
When the thought of cold sheets we assuredly dread

However the appliance of science has come to our aid
And at bedtime we need be no longer dismayed
The electric blanket has brought us relief
So climbing to bed won’t ever cause grief

As we tuck ourself in between blankets and sheets
Heat envelopes us all from shoulders to feet
And if we want to maximize the full size of the bed
We can duck right down, even cover our head

Freud might suggest thoughts of return to the womb
But our cosy bed probably offers more room
For tucked up in bed we feel so safe and so warm
Just as our mother kept us free from harm

Thus cosseted we languish surrounded by heat
And soon we are gently wafted to sleep
All the world’s problems slip quietly away
As we are renewed to face a new day

There is just one problem that you may discover
And from the shock of it may take time to recover
And surely it will leave you quite woebegone
If earlier you forgot to switch blanket on!

Ken Fisher

 

See also:  https://thebardofkelvindale.com/2018/01/05/hot-water-bottle/

The Robot

The Robot

(Now republished)

images-1

Is this the future of the human race?
Biscuit tin head with smiley face
Metal frame with cogs and levers
Up-shot of design endeavours

But let’s not jump to quick conclusions
This is not just some mad delusion
The pundits who predict ahead
Claim robot life will be widespread

They say that it makes common sense
With routine tasks we should dispense
And make the robots do our share
Even if that is unfair

But if we let them do too much
And they grasp all in metal clutch
Our own jobs might disappear
And for our living we will fear

The best way for our own survival
Creative thought will bring revival
Humans should do what they do best
And leave the robots to the rest

But are we sure what best we do?
Despite all the knowledge we accrue
We fail to show that human touch
Which yet might change this world so much

Ken Fisher

[The Boston Publishing Group predicts that by 2025
up to a quarter of current jobs won’t be performed
by humans any more. Also on 29 Dec 2016 a major Policy
Analysis group predicted that in the UK, within a few decades,
 we may lose up to 15 million jobs due to developments
in artificial intelligence and robotics]

Danger, Thin Ice!

Danger, Thin Ice!

p1110075

In the deep midwinter, this sign you may observe
Intended to ensure you’re safe, surely life preserve
Thin ice is a hazard, a threat without a doubt
Don’t risk a step upon it or else you may find out

But the danger of thin ice goes beyong just glassy lakes
It can refer to other risks that in our life we take
For at times we find ourselves quite unwisely heading
In ways just as dangerous as if on thin ice we’re treading

For example I wonder how often we have breached a moral rule
Or spoken thoughtless words or acted like a fool
Or pushed our luck too far when dealing with authority
Abandoning our usual inclination to conformity

At other times we have been known to make exaggerated claims
Of our abilities or talents, or skills at sport or games
But without doubt such lies, like the ice’s thin veneer
On close examination such boasts soon disappear

So whatever path your life may take here is my advice
Don’t tread anywhere where you might find you’re standing on thin ice
Tell the truth, follow the rules, act always with integrity
And you will find the ground beneath maintains its solidarity

Ken Fisher

Turkey Without Legs!

Turkey Without Legs!

p1110223

Here’s a thing you did not know
And I assure you that it’s so
Legless turkey is being served
A phenomenon I have observed

As you see from this tasty plate
Who needs legs you might debate?
When stuffing’s there and so’s the meat
With sprouts and roasties, quite complete

It’s just that somehow one does wonder
Has the chef just made a blunder
Or have those legs now gone astray?
Their absence may cause some dismay

However, I really have to claim
Legless turkey tastes the same
And with the trimmings on display
Such a meal will make your day

Ken Fisher

Let There Be (More) Light

Let there be (more) light

search-1

In my upstairs office where poems come to fruition
There’s long been a need for illumination
So the old window’s replaced with a much larger pane
All held together in an elegant frame

Now my desk is flooded with light oh so bright
Reading no longer a strain on my sight
Perhaps this new brilliance my muse might inspire
With burning ideas set emotions afire

It’s amazing the affect light has on the soul
Achieved in my roof by extending that hole
Which provides the space for a much bigger frame
And might even yet new ideas inflame

Of course in these dark winter days it’s light that we lack
In spring and summer the sun’s rays might attack
And I will need the blinds to give some protection
To preserve my thought – perhaps my complexion!

In the meantime I rejoice in this welcoming space
Which provides such a warm and cosy workplace
And hope that the light will provoke some new thoughts
From which inspired verses might even be wrought!

Ken Fisher

Halloween

Halloween [Monday 31st October 2016]

search-8

Trick or Treat I hear them ask – what should I reply?
As on the threshold of my door the guisers I espy
To ward them off I pay their price as if it were a ransom
With fruits and sweets and even nuts a gift that I thought handsome

But before I let my ‘guests’ depart I ask them in return
What entertainment will they provide, what act will they perform?
It is in times like these I find that suddenly they’re silent
Unable to convince me that Britain has still Got Talent!

However, eventually together they muster up some courage
One even recites a bawdy poem – not really with much flourish
Two more play on the ‘air guitar’ a stimulating riff
While others mouth imagined lyrics, standing there quite stiff

The performance duly over towards the door they shuffle
And in sharing out the Treats try to avoid a scuffle
It was then I notice their costumes quite exotic
Theatrical to say the least – some even psychedelic

These young celebrants in this ancient hallowed festival
Of evil spirits, ghosts and some things quite heretical
Are really just out to have fun with all their many friends
And despite their spooky garb they bring no ill intent

So when our doorbell rings with the challenge ‘Trick or Treat’?
Let’s welcome them with open heart – and with a smile do greet
‘Cause on the eve of All Saints’ Day it’s best that we been seen
To welcome visitors e’re so strange on this night of Halloween

Ken Fisher

 

Lentil Soup

Lentil Soup

search-7

 

I wonder if it is possible for you to envisage a plate of lentil soup
Without finding that your mouth is watering?
Now I am devoid of any culinary skills whatsoever
But when I am treated to a hot bowl of this delectable concoction
I am almost overwhelmed with delight

Apparently this tasty broth can come in many varieties
Each with its own distinct charms to stimulate the palate
So there are versions with red lentil, chickpea and chili
And others comprising carrot, onion, celery and oregano
Vegan soup that will respect some dietary preferences
And for meat-eaters why not try lamb stew and lentils?

A quick trawl through the internet or the cook books
Will lift the pot lid on recipes galore for lentil soups
Try the economical ‘budget buster lentil soup’
At 20 pence per serving – just the thing when times are tight
For more savings – make double quantity and freeze some!

Lentil soups seem to come in a wide range of colours
From rather pale consommé to dark chunky offerings
And some types are gluten free while others offer high protein
And for those needing things to be pepped up a bit
Why not go for carrot and ginger with lentils?

So what more can be said about this quotidian potage?
I think the simple message is – if you are searching
For some food that’s truly nutritional yet irresistible in taste
Look no further than the humble bowl of lentil soup
I bet you are still licking your lips as you think on it!

Ken Fisher

Bureaucracy

Bureaucracy

 

10407368-clerk-in-archive-men-with-folders-3d

 

Bureaucracy sometimes is given a bad name
And tempers have been known to burst into flame
By what for many are just petty restrictions
And particularly awkward terms and conditions

There is no doubt when submitting data on-line
One wonders whoever compiled the design
‘Cause often we struggle to enter the facts
Of our new Registered Car or our Income Tax

Forms are the lifeblood of all office systems
And it is pointless to offer them any resistance
And whatever the information that is demanded
If we don’t supply it we’re left empty-handed

So if it’s a job application or a benefit claim
Or on-line ticket booking, the response is the same
We need to tell them what they want to know
Or the simple reply will be ‘Computer Says No!’

But for those bureaucrats you should spare just a thought
Submerged deep in paper they get quite distraught
As they seek to respond to all we demand
From systems even they may not understand

Ken Fisher

The ‘Flu Jab [2017 Version]

The ‘Flu Jab [2017 Version]

search-7

 

Don’t you just love it – this time of year?
That NHS reminder that can fill you with fear
It’s time once again to do as directed
And make sure from ‘flu you are fully protected

Not everyone receives this summons from high
But it applies to me – I admit with a sigh
The vaccine comes to us completely free
So take it manfully and don’t try to flee

If you are over the age of sixty-five
They will have checked your name in their archive
Or you are a pregnant lady, or overweight
It’s most unlikely that you can escape

It would appear that this year I can get extra protection
From ‘flu and from shingles, a nasty inflammation
So like the supermarket, the surgery is giving BOGOF*
That from these dual hazards I might well get off

If your immune system is somewhat suspect
They will be even keener your arm to inject
And if around the waist there is too much flab
They will puncture it all with the bold ‘flu jab

Of course we should not complain of this annual ritual
Intended to ensure that we remain fitter
And withstand the dangers of those nasty bugs
That seem to behave like micro-sized thugs

So when the message arrives to make the appointment
Make sure the nurse receives no disappointment
Get along to the surgery and bare your best arm
It will do you much good and surely no harm

Ken Fisher

  • BOGOF = Buy one get one free [except that both of these are free!}

Shiny New Car

Shiny New Car

search-2

 

I should probably feel somewhat ashamed
But our latest possession I have to proclaim
We’ve traded in our old car in part-exchange
For a shiny new model – the top of the range

There was nothing amiss with the previous car
It traversed the country from near to quite far
And there was no visible defect that you could see
It’s just that it needed its first MOT!

So towards the car showroom I gravitated
And with the new model was so captivated
Reason was quickly thrown to the wind
And in no time at all on the line we had signed

By its soft leather seats I was easily beguiled
And the fact that they’re heated brought on a smile
There are parking sensors at the front and back
Should help me avoid an anxiety attack

There’s Sat-Nav equipment to keep you on track
A reversing camera when you have to go back
And the on-board entertainment you really must hear
CD Player, MP3 and the Radio is of course a DAB

The colour and trim are equally grand
Anything tacky has surely been banned
Altogether this motor has got to seen
It’s not just a car it’s a limousine

I hope you’re not jealous of my latest toy
I’ll give you a run in it that you’re bound to enjoy
And I’m sure that others will share in our pleasure
As we take to the high road with this new family treasure

Ken Fisher

 

Car-rot

Car-rot!

 

search

What does one say about the Car-rot?
Perhaps right now just not a–lot!
In the past it made its mark
So bomber pilots saw in the dark
Coloured orange and with a shape that tapers
Ready to dance or some other capers
Sometimes linked with the proverbial stick
It’s meant to coax us to go quick
The stick instead being used to prod
Not something that we need applaud
The carrot is a root vegetable
The roots being eminently edible
The carrot is a biennial plant
It takes two long years its fruits to grant
But when it’s ready to eat or cook
It mixes well with meat or soup
But if you don’t fancy stewing steak
Carrots make a tasty cake
So although the carrot may not rise to fame
We should this humble veg acclaim
And if you want to stay alive
Count it in your daily five!
Ken Fisher