Author Archives: thebardofkelvindale.com

Taking Umbridge

Taking Umbridge

UMBRIDGE

Umbridge is something I’d rather not take
Even if just for harmony’s sake
But sometimes by others I am deeply offended
By their words which I feel cannot be defended

Now and then I am sure you feel aggrieved
By untrue statements that leave you quite peeved
Little white lies that bring on vexation
Hiding the truth of the situation

A description of something, their own critique
Prompting in you a feeling of pique
What they have said is misrepresentation
Devoid of the facts of the situation

We may take umbridge when things are unfair
When we have been denied our rightful share
Too small a slice of the birthday cake
No share in the will bringing huge heartache!

Sometimes umbridge is taken at the slightest infringement
Resulting in quite disproportionate resentment
It would be better if we might tolerate
Not allowing minor issues to quickly inflate

And the question is, does it do any good?
Tell me how taking umbridge ever would
Bring change to that perplexing situation
And resolve all resentful aggravation

Perhaps the response that’s more mature
Averting umbridge that might endure
Simply adopt a smile so benign
And the portion of umbridge quite simply decline

Ken Fisher

Scrapes and Scratches, Bumps and Dents

Scrapes and Scratches, Bumps and Dents

When your new car suffers a bump or a dent
In your mind it becomes a major event
We know we really should not be so worried
But our pride and joy has somehow been sullied

Fortunately out there are experts galore
Whose websites are keen for you to explore
Offering to restore the car to perfection
Where all defects avoid any detection

But no matter how small the dent seems to you
Other panels, we are told, are affected too
So a tiny scratch or a minor scrape
Incurs a large bill that you cannot escape

So just take care when driving and parking
If unscathed by bumps you would be arriving
And thus you will avoid those scratches and dents
Which to the eye of the beholder can give such offence

Ken Fisher

The Reading of the 5,000

The Reading of the 5,000

The Reading of the 5000

[Written on the day when I reached 5,000 unique
Visitors to my web site – with 20,700 visits]

With a nod to the Biblical Miracle
When 5000 were wondrously fed
The Bard’s ever faithful followers
His verses have willingly read

The fact that so many people
Have adopted a kind attitude
To this faltering novice scribe
Commands eternal gratitude

He is pleased you have taken the time
To explore his poetic expression
Of thoughts about life and living
From boredom perhaps a digression

The topics of poems are quite widespread
And hopefully will speak to your heart
Within the range you surely will find
Some wisdom it yet might impart

And so my friend thank you once more
For being prepared to indulge
As one of those brave 5,000 souls
To whom my poetic thoughts I divulge

Ken Fisher
The Bard of Kelvindale

The Bigger Picture

The Bigger Picture

What’s for tea?
Do you think it’ll rain
Is the gas bill due
Is the weather the same

Does this shirt need ironed?
Can I borrow your pen
Did you switch off the light
Must I ask you again

Did you fill up with fuel?
Call in at the bank
Remember kids’ sweets
Or did your mind go blank

‘Midst these myriad affairs
Imposing strictures
Obsessed with minutiae
Where’s the bigger picture?

But there is more to life
Than the common task
Of some loftier aim
Perhaps we should ask

Neglecting not
Those who on us depend
Widen our vision
Our talents extend

A bigger picture
Of the purpose of life
Revealed through thoughtful reflection
Takes shape
When we open our heart and mind
A quite different observation

Ken Fisher

Sin

Sin

 

 

Sin
A curiously old-fashioned word
Perhaps even an antiquated concept
The old adage – it is a Sin to steal a pin!
Who steals pins these days?

Sin
What is it?

Many things is would appear
From peccadillos to mortal offences
Insulting those we should revere
Crimes that merit no defences

Original sin in Eden perpetrated
Mankind’s innocence destroyed
From guilt no longer separated
Gone all goodness unalloyed

Lapses, faults, larceny, transgressions
Falling from grace, short of the mark
Sins of commission and of omission
Slanderous words, the unkind remark

And what of all those Biblical sins?
Lust and pride, envy and greed
Much worse than just a stolen pin
Gluttony, sloth not mere misdeeds

Sin abounds when we are tempted
By this world’s blandishments
Our resistance sorely tested
Disregarding punishment

Life needs sin to give it relish
From virtuous boredom be released
Its grey canvas to embellish
Peppered with impious yeast

Ken Fisher

Modern Job Titles

Modern Job titles

 

I am tempted to say ‘you can’t be serious’!
When I hear of new jobs with titles mysterious
‘Chief Impact Officer’ for our Royal Prince
So lofty a role, it’s bound to convince

I suppose if your’re no longer an HRH
You need something to put ice on your cake
And there is little doubt he’ll consider the fact
That somehow he still needs to make real impact

While trawling articles in the national press
I came across job titles that are bound to impress
But the meaning of these seem rather obscure
What the holders actually do I am quite unsure

I am hoping that someone out there can make clear
The vital role of the new ‘Happiness Engineer’
And if the ‘Brand Warrior’ looms into sight
It does not signify we are in for a fight

Some businesses employ an on-board psychiatrist
But a new version has emerged – the ‘Dream Alchemist’
Corporate fluffery uses different approaches
Providing work for those gurus – ‘Lifestyle Coaches’

Virtue signalling is apparently all the rage
In woke capitalism, the spirit of the age
Hence the departure from jobs with any real work
Demanding graft that really might hurt

Perhaps it’s just me but I like to know what is meant
By a job specification full of puzzlement
The terms should be devoid of opaque illusion
Thus removing  all doubt and confusion

Recruitment agencies must now be creative
Inventing job descriptions quite innovative
Coaxing clients to apply for roles enigmatic
Success only assured to the most charismatic

 

PS I have noted that recently HR (Human Resources)
Has now been re-badged as HC (Human Capital) Whoopee!!

Ken Fisher

The Tyranny of the Password

The Tyranny of the Password

To compare this with Covid may seem quite absurd
But I’m almost as scared of the missing password
When we cannot remember these numbers and letters
Our hands are tied as if by tight fetters

These digital door keys prevent interference
Meant to protect our bank balance from disappearance
To the hands of some hacker of ill repute
Intent on swiping away all our loot

So with every aspect of computer filing
Requests for a password sets us compiling
A secret code to keep data secure
Safely concealed there for evermore

It is then that we need to be quite inventive
Complex passwords can be preventive
Of those who would all our secrets expose
Our facts and figures that no one else knows

The names of long dead pets, or gran’s date of birth
That primary school teacher if we think she was worth
Of incorporation into a password obscure
A combination that might long endure

This all sounds fine as far as it goes
Except when we need to enter the password and letters transpose
Or worst of all we suffer from total amnesia
Our brain dormant as through anaesthesia

We try to recall where the password record is hidden
We search our machine but all access forbidden
The more times we try the wrong combination
Now struck by panic and mighty frustration

In the end we may have all hope to abandon
All this computing is far too demanding
Just keep all your records in a box under your bed
Where password tyranny can  no longer cause dread

Ken Fisher

Wokeplace

Wokeplace
[The Modern Workplace]

In the modern wokeplace I rather regret
You must watch what you say in case you upset
Your colleagues sensitive to today’s social issues
Non-PC opinions may make them reach for the tissues!

Of course few would deny that we must be aware
That society’s divisions are often unfair
And to promote justice we all should endeavour
That no class of people suffer disfavour

But I wonder if perhaps it has all gone too far
Historical figures removed from the repertoire
Of those who heretofore we all have respected
Their toppled statues lying there look dejected

The history books a rewrite require
Heroes to whose ideals we should no longer aspire
How have the mighty fallen the wokeists declare
Ignoring our pleas that this might be unfair

In the wokeplace there is a new atmosphere
Where any criticism may well induce fear
Woke opinions are strong on the concerns of today
We cannot ignore them or try to downplay

No doubt woke values deserve consideration
Race, sex, equality, slave-like  discrimination
Social media has ensured these issues prevail
Public reaction on a quite momentous scale

I simply make a plea for moderation
No knee-jerk reaction across the nation
Don’t vilify the pioneers of our great institutions
Or force us all living today to take their retribution

Ken Fisher

Photo Album

Photo Album

 

Old photo albums
We miss them in the digital age
Those bulky dossiers
Dark coloured pages
Festooned with corner fixings
Holding our life history
And Large files of plastic folders
Stuffed with printed photos
Sometimes tidy
Often chaotic

And yet it’s all there
Baby Joan’s first tottering step
Tom and Ian cavorting in the paddling pool
“Our home” in the 1950’s
Looking ramshackle
But why did we ever leave?
Grandpa’s birthday
In his chair, a little tipsy
Time for a snooze
Caught him unaware

But times move on
Snapping no longer limited to
A Kodak or Ilford spool
Of 24 or 36
And then the glories of colour!
Almost dazzling
But you still had to wait
Until your creations
Returned from the processor
Unless you had your own darkroom

Now all this restriction and mystery is gone
Infinite snapping, instant results
Cameras now high-powered computers
Phones not just for your ears but for your eyes
Abundant selfies for the self-obsessed
But where are the photo albums of today?
Not in the book but in the cloud
More images than ever for the world to see
No paper corners to hold our prints
Our images released to all the world

Ken Fisher

New Spectacles

New Spectacles

New glasses, new image, clearer vision, brighter prospects
First the eye test, now much more high tech
More an optical screening, retinal retinopathy testing
Did I come for an eye test or full medical MoT?

Mind you, we still have to identify the letters
In ever diminishing sizes on the distant screen
First with the one eye, then with the other
Did God not give us two to do the job properly?

Next comes the physical examination of each eye
Must eliminate macular degeneration, a scourge of age
Narrow torch rays, like lasers, beamed into the eye
Sudden burst of light to check reactions – total darkness
Did they intend to induce blindness?

Then we move to another machine when our response
To little flickers on the screen are measured
Click as soon as you detect anything. Don’t cheat, don’t guess
After this assault course we wonder if it’s specs or a white stick we need

Eventually we are released from the darkened chamber
We receive our prescription and it is time to choose new frames
It is then that we realize the NHS makes only a minor contribution
To our eye care. If vanity motivates us we are in for a shock

Of course there are some cheapo frames but most are not
If we are beguiled by designer names and fancy styles
Prepare to put your credit card into melt-down
But you convince yourself this is part of your image

Of course you have to get the vari-focal, anti-scratch
Anti-glare, versions. If they must be light-weight
You will need high-index plastics, and if UV light
Is a problem you will need polycarbonate lenses

It is then that you ask if they do mortgages!

In due time the frames arrive and they are checked
Are they aligned OK? Are they sitting comfortably on your nose?
Do they grip on your ears and prevent any slipping?
If they pass this optical MOT you are ready to face the world
Vision enhanced, bank balance diminished!

 

Ken Fisher

 

 

The News, Mostly, Is Bad

The News, Mostly, Is Bad [by Oliver Fisher]

The news mostly is bad,
And I butter my toast just the same,
When did dinner table chat,
Turn to facts and stats of shame?
When did he who says, step back?
And let this illness break and crack.
Plague and p-poison the population,
I see no light in blinding black.

Wet air scares me these days
And I turn to cloth for protection
But chafed ears can be no match,
To those who face eventual infection.
Surprise, surprise – Now sanitise.
Avoid all contact, even eyes.
Suited girls and suited guys,
Seem to now spout bumbling lies.

The reservoir of human spirit is desolate and dry,
Once valued friendships have now
Reduced, into distanced passers by.
In the streets, I lurk in shadows
And never let my face be shown.
Human embrace now means gloves, and
Cover ups and elbow bones.

The news, mostly, is bad-
I suppose I can take comfort in that.
Saving lives can be so easy-
When you stay at home, subdued gnat.
Chat online and exercise,
Too many food deliveries,
Zooming through the 2020s
With dates in mind and tiers and pleas.

Oliver Fisher