Category Archives: Humour

Poems with a humorous theme

Unpredictable [The Scottish Weather!]

Unpredictable

[A comment on the Scottish Weather!]

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Believe the forecast? Well I wouldn’t go that far
The Scottish weather we’re convinced our pleasure’s bound to mar
If morning brings the sunshine bright, the noon will see it gone
Rain before the eventide denies the promised dawn

 

We never know quite what to wear midst all that fickle change
And our planned calendar we’ll need to re-arrange
We play it cool but soon we find the weather is so hot
Our temper’s frayed, our nerves thus overwrought

 

More likely it’s the opposite, we’re hoping for the heat
Or at the very least we’ll still have two dry feet
What will it be? Wet, dry, hot or even cold
Sure predictions by us would simply be too bold

 

And of course this weather is so volatile it can affect our mood
Sometimes our cheeriness is easily subdued
We simply must adjust and learn just how to cope
No matter what the days may bring we should not lose all hope

 

For rain showers give us verdant land and open fields so green
Our streets too by this process are easily kept clean
And sunshine, when we get it, brings on the crops and flowers
The mixture of these elements shows nature’s mighty powers

 

Of course there are those who cannot stand no sun or too much rain
And thus the exodus of ex pats who now call home sunny Spain!
But being true Scots most of us are made of sterner stuff
No cowards we, we hang on in e’en though the climate’s rough

 

And after all who would want to get up every day
Looking out the window and finding, come what may
The vista never changes when time it is to rise
Far better we, when curtains slide, an every day surprise!

 

So let’s not let the weather become our pet obsession
There is no need for rain or shine to bring on deep depression
Let’s learn to live with change and smile what e’er betide
Thus all our Scottish weather we’ll cope with in our stride

Ken Fisher

 

 

 

 

The Bonhomie of the Coffee Club

The Bonhomie of the Coffee Club

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One of life’s greatest pleasures, I have to say
Is joining with friends on Coffee Club day
And as we all gather round this steaming libation
The brew is transformed like some precious oblation

As we savour the mixture of espresso or latte
Americano, cappuccino, or fine macchiato
Café Cubano, cortado or simple flat white
These wonderful flavours our palates excite

But perhaps even more than these tastes so exotic
Is the joy of companionship almost hypnotic
‘Cause when you’re together with like-minded friends
Our everyday worries we soon learn to transcend

So perhaps in place of a doctor’s prescription
And even now at the risk of a mild new addiction
Why not succumb to the Coffee Club’s charms
And relax oh so gently in caffein’s warm arms?

Ken Fisher

 

 

 

I am H-A-P-P-Y (HAPPINESS DAY 20 MARCH 2016)

 

The International Day of Happiness 2016

 

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The old chorus says:
‘I am H A P P Y, I am H A P P Y
I know I am I’m sure I am,
I’m H A P P Y’

Sounds like an attempt at self-conviction
But are we happy? And if not
What can we do about it?
Indeed should we do anything about it?
Well, the joy-mongers of today are suggesting
That the road to Happiness is paved with
the building blocks of Connectedness

By this they seem to mean that we all need
To make the world a MORE CONNECTED PLACE

So today we should reach out and make new connections
We should do it in person,
We should do it on-line,
We should do it by letter or card,
By Facebook or Twitter,
By getting back in touch with one another
By re-building broken or lapsed contacts
And by simply finding a way to
Connectedness

They tell us the Ten Keys to happier living are:

Giving : do things for others
Relating: connect with people
Exercising: take care of your body
Appreciating: notice the world around
Trying Out: keep learning new things

So there you are then
BIG SMILE – NO PROBLEM!!

Ken Fisher
thebardofkelvindale.com

 

 

The Night-time Broadcast

The Night-time Broadcast

 

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Nightwatchman of the tireless airwaves
Friend of insomniacs and shift-workers
Vigilante who prolongs our wakefulness
Comforter of the agitated and uneasy mind

Sometimes their offering is just a long succession
Of mood music to help anaesthetize the brain
They ‘spin’ these play-lists not just back-to-back
But in a seamless flow, often end to end

And thus sedated we may eventually succumb
And fall gently into the outstretched arms of Hypnos
Thus for some broadcasters their purpose is achieved
Perhaps our own choice when locked in to the ‘sleep mode’

And yet there are many who are not seeking sleep
For some the duty of unsocial hours, at desk or driving cab
Welcome the company of the ethereal companion
To educate, to stimulate, to banish boredom

Nowadays – and nights – broadcasting is a 24/7 affair
Swept away the curfew of the midnight chimes of Big Ben
With little pause the stations re-gain their breath
Plunging headlong into nocturnal schedules

So we are offered a diet of news, or sport, or music
And if we so desire our mind can be transported
By travelogues, quizzes, drama or political diatribe
And of course the World Service, where it is always daytime

One feature is the phone-in session – who on earth
Is awake to participate? Well there seems to be
No shortage of inquisitors to assail the agony aunts
And those ever contentious ‘shock jocks’

So it seems that night time broadcasting has
Not been banished to the land of nod. It is wide-awake!
And many rejoice that radio, like its carrier waves
Knows no bounds, brooks no opposition

Except perhaps the charms of sleep itself!

Ken Fisher

 

Thank you for waiting – Your call Is Important to us!

Thank you for waiting – Your call is important to us!

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These ambivalent words fill us with frustration
Do we believe that anyone cares?
Is ours simply a voice from somewhere in the nation
And of our exasperation they remain unaware

Then on comes that music meant to calm and to soothe
If it hesitates for a moment we are then filled with hope
But it soon resumes its beat and its rhythm so smooth
And we are left to wonder how we might cope

For if our call is important why can’t they reply
Have the staff all gone AWAL – disappeared home?
Where have they run to and please tell us why
They should stick by their station and not from it roam

To our relief the music is suddenly muted
To be followed by silence that seems almost eerie
Perhaps our ‘valuable call’ has just been re-routed
In our suspension, this seems a reasonable theory

But no amount of conjecture seems to bring a result
And when the music resumes we almost explode
To our injured feelings this just adds further insult
And our blood pressure surely is in overload

However, a few seconds later we hear the sweet tones
Of the missing operator who was till now so illusive
But instead of assaulting her ears with all our pent-up moans
Overwhelming relief  stops us from being quite abusive

Perhaps if we could learn in such moments of tension
To just bide our time and learn to forebear
Not filled with such unjustified apprehension
Then our life would be freed from such futile despair

Ken Fisher

 

See also: Cold Calling

 

29th February

29th February

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The bonus day
Helps to keep the calendar
in tune with the earth’s rotation
round our star – the sun
Otherwise the clocks would get out of kilter
Sometimes also known as a leap day
In a leap year
those who were born on this day
can at least celebrate on the right date
Apparently the chances of having a Leap
Birthday are one in 1,461
About 4.1 million people
around the world were born on 29th February
and they are sometimes called leaplings

So here is a little rhyme for
those born on 29th February

When February contains full 29 Days
Those born on this date join together in praise
‘Cause only on years that are said to be leap
Can they know it’s their day as the wake up from sleep

We would not want to deprive them of joy on their day
Because of whatever the calendar may say
So if February contains a mere 28
I hope that their pleasure it will not frustrate

And for all of us whose birthdays are clear
Who enjoy the right date no matter the year
Spare a thought for the others who seem to miss out
Unless it’s a leap year when there is no doubt

Ken Fisher

 

Candid Camera

Candid Camera

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They say the camera never lies
More true than even human eyes
It only records what hits the lens
Our face, or those of our friends

The button makes the shutter blink
Keep your eyes open – do not wink
And inside this strange black device
It makes an image most precise

I’m told it’s actually upside down
But that won’t make us smile or frown
Whatever hits the open shutter
Captured even if our eyes did flutter

Of course you will have realized
The camera shown has now evolved
From the basic model shown above
For many, a toy that we all loved

No matter how new models have advanced
Digital imaging much enhanced
Nevertheless it remains still true
That candid snap is truly you

But in this modern age there’s a handy prop
It comes in the guise of ‘photo shop’
So if we find our images show too much candour
We can magic them all with a touch of splendour!

Ken Fisher

In or Out? Musings on the EU Referendum

In or Out?

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It will soon be decision time again

This routine is quite a bane

Once more we really must decide

Set aside our national pride

 

I was hoping for the settled life

A break from political strife

After a surfeit of elections

A time just for quiet reflection

 

We’ve endured the Scottish Referendum

The UK-wide General election

Soon we decide on our SNP’s

Will the EU poll bring us to our knees?

 

Perhaps the only ones who will be pleased

Are the school-kids thus from class released

No doubt the pollsters will be filled with joy

As their crystal balls they each employ

 

Anyway we should not complain

As protagonists join their campaign

Perhaps we should be sympathetic

And enjoy our life so democratic

 

Ken Fisher

The Life Re-Cycled

The Life Recycled

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I don’t really mean to be irreverent

But just the other day as I was putting out our bins

I noted how important the concept of re-cycling had become

We can no longer just chuck all our disposable material

Into one multi-function receptacle – and shout good riddance to it

 

No doubt most of you will have, as a minimum,

A bin for garden waste, a bin of paper waste,

A bin for glass, a bin for food waste

And a general purpose bin for all the rest

And woe-betide if you use the wrong one!

 

Of course the earnest intention of all of this

Is that as much of our unloved detritus

Will form the basis of some kind of new creation

Having been subjected to a non-religious process of ‘reincarnation’

The essence of the old contained in the new!

 

This train of thought led on to my consideration

Of the rather more serious issue of the re-cycling of life

Perhaps, you care to give little thought to this

Just as most of us do not agonise over the bin routine

Perhaps this one life is more than enough anyway

 

 

But throughout history many major world faiths and ideologies

Have stressed the centrality of the concept of reincarnation

Not least the Hindu religion and the Buddhist belief in rebirth

And don’t forget the importance of karma

Which may decide the progression of rebirth

 

Anyway, not to be too profound or philosophical

The 21st century homo sapiens

Is not dismissive of the notion of recycling

Within this one present life we can be sure of

Can we self-upgrade to a better model?

 

Indeed it seems to me that the whole self-improvement industry

Is predicated on the idea that we can start with what we’ve got

And by a process of development and enhancement

We can recycle into a much improved model

A shiny new mind in a shiny new body!

 

 

Of course the difference here from the dust-bin model

Is that we don’t throw anything away

We transform it by effort and determination

A century ago ‘Pelmanism’ showed the way ahead

Today we are awash with new nostrums

 

So from the ancient wisdom of Yoga and Tai Chi

To modern Pilates and Zumba

And not just strictly ballroom!

Psychological cognitive therapies and Mindfulness

The gym recycled as the temple for worship

 

So here we are – don’t forget the bins

[Perhaps they are the most important source of health!]

But don’t forget yourself

You must not simply vegetate – you owe it to yourself

Let that new life begin today – without delay!

 

 

 

Ken Fisher

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We Are Short of a Sucker

We Are Short of a Sucker

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For quite a while now we have felt lack of suction
‘Cause our old vacuum cleaner would no longer function
It would often blow out when it was meant to suck in
Which would suggest some deep conflict within

We stripped it down as best we could
And fiddled with bits that no lay person should
Screws were removed and dirt extricated
Just in case its internals were found constipated

But no matter how deeply its guts we did prod
It became ever clear that something was flawed
So today we agreed that despite all our stewardship
The machine’s only future was ‘off to the tip!’

So this afternoon we had to take an excursion
And purchased this lovely shiny new version
Initial trials of this modern domestic appliance
Confirm this is how one should apply science

Therefore let us hope all our dust problems are solved
As the Hoover Hurricane’s blades fastly revolve
And all dirt and grime will meet its due fate
This machine was designed to facilitate

Ken Fisher

Shrove Tuesday

Shrove Tuesday

 

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This is the day when we should confess all our sins

And thus duly shriven a new chapter begins

We must be open and honest in making confession

Pay our due penance and receive absolution

 

I fear that only those who are faithful and devout

Are willing and eager on their vices to speak out

After all, in our modern world, the sins of past days

Would hardly an eyebrow nowadays raise!

 

But that does not mean that a little reflection

Would make it clear we have not reached perfection

And taking the time to resolve to be better

Will not result in our pleasures being totally fettered

 

While on self-improvement we should contemplate

A little sweetener for all, we might advocate

And as Shrove Tuesday stands at the gate of Lent

We might find some feasting quite convenient

 

So let’s have a party with pancakes galore

Bring out all the goodies we have in our store

Put deadly sins behind – except perhaps gluttony

And cover those pancakes with sweet oceans of honey

 

 

Ken Fisher

 

 

STOP THE TREADMILL I WANT TO GET OFF!!

Stop the Treadmill I want to Get Off

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It has often been said, with a deal of regret

That life is a treadmill we must never forget

Great is the effort we expend every day

Hours of hard work and so little play

 

And yet we are told that’s how the world works

We must all do our share, no-one should shirk

On this collective effort the economy depends

Long working days and quite short weekends

 

Productivity must increase more every year

Falling short of the target is something to fear

More goods and services has become our new God

If a good standard of living we are to afford

 

This is all very well I hear you accede

But why must serving that treadmill become our new creed?

Surely our aim is not to live just to labour

But to enjoy all the pleasures a good life should savour

 

So let us remember to give the treadmill its place

But find enough time the ‘good life’ to embrace

And if this balance we then can achieve

Our lost contentment we might soon retrieve

Ken Fisher