Category Archives: Humour

Poems with a humorous theme

Caution – You Are Approaching the End of the Conveyor!

Caution – You Are Approaching the End of the Conveyor!

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The other day in the supermarket I received that verbal caution
Approaching the top of the conveyor belt you have to slow down the motion
It made me think about life itself as it takes us forever forward
Day follows day no matter what as time pushes ever onward

Most of the time on life’s conveyor belt we are happy enough to comply
‘Cause more often that not to those passing events we are pleased to wave goodbye
And as the progression of time moves only one way, as the calendar ticks off each day
We learn to accept whatever good fortune or bad we meet upon the way

But as the years pass by from hopeful youth to old age increasingly feeble
We might notice a trend to dolefulness, our life somewhat less gleeful
So what we must do is to accept what life brings in its time-bound conveyor
And acquire the wisdom to slow down enough and thus every moment savour

Ken Fisher

A Row of Little Clothes Pegs

A Row of Little Clothes Pegs

[Let’s hope you don’t find this too risqué, perhaps it’s summer madness!]

 

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A row of little clothes pegs hanging on the line
Firmly clinging to your pants and those boxer shorts of mine
It’s amazing how close these personal items get
As in the swirling wash they excitedly gyrate

A sure sign of our togetherness is readily displayed
As our smalls cling together when on the line they swayed
It’s just as well they’re all pegged on as otherwise they’d knot
As in frenzied abandon they surely would be caught

So the humble peg upon the line helps order to maintain
As the washing slowly dries, and our modesty regained
Thus our clean clothes again display a due regard of fashion
And some would say a bulwark against unbridled passion

Yes the pegs upon the washing line might be deemed symbolic
Of control restored again after some titillating frolic
But surely all these thoughts are really somewhat fanciful
And the purpose of the peg is not Freudian but practical!

Ken Fisher

 

Last Minute Dot Com

Last Minute Dot Com

[with all due respect to the App of this name]

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You may be familiar with those popular Apps
Tailored just for us by those marketing chaps
Especially that one that highlights the time
Which, if you waste it, is surely a crime

So in case by indecision you are beset
They are determined that you won’t forget
The choices for you that each day still remain
To quickly secure an unbeatable bargain

Throughout the day their message lambasts our screens
Just in case the latest movie you’ve not so far seen
Or the most sumptuous meal for your sharp appetite
Time-bound treasures offered for your great delight

And of course, the ‘carrot’ they offer is the discounted price
To overlook these offers would be quite unwise
The ‘stick’ is the pressure for you to decide
Any undue delay would the deal set aside

Now despite my own reservations of this kind of trade
Apparently it has succeeded the world to persuade
For I am sure if you are looking to be entertained
And your budget at present is somewhat constrained

Then Last Minute Dot Com will be quite a boon
Download the App and check it out soon
For every day it offers an infinite treasure
Of goodies to bring you immediate pleasure

Ken Fisher

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Barbecue Time!

Barbecue Time!

[In anticipation of the annual TRG BBQ]

 

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Once again it’s time for our annual barbecue
Cheer up, it’s no day to be feeling blue
Let’s hope the sun will shine this year
And bring to all some needed cheer

If all goes well it should be great
Make sure you don’t arrive too late
Tempt your tum with tasty food
The chatter helps you to feel good

This year the weather may be kind
Helping each of us unwind
No heavy agenda to discuss
No leader to create a fuss

So, as we now anticipate
The sizzling burgers on our plate
Meat or veggie, make your choice
Don’t be shy, let’s hear your voice

We’ll try to ensure you’re satisfied
At least you’ll realise we tried
To bring to you a feast that’s hearty
Amidst a joyous festive party

Ken Fisher

Better Together (Not in the political sense!)

Better Together (Not in the the political sense!)

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[A bad hair day!]

Shampoo and conditioner, a useful combination
Eliminates ‘bad hair days’ throughout the entire nation
Toothbrush and toothpaste used each morning for a while
Freshens breath, cleans the teeth, makes confident our smile

Motor cars need fuel or they never can go far
The humble jalopy or the sporty Jaguar
Fish tastes so much better accompanied by chips
I bet the very thought makes you lick your lips

Pens and pencils are of little use without some paper
If we want to leave a note for our helpful next door neighbour
A lamp without a bulb is a very dim affair
Left in the dark we surely would despair

Shoes without their laces are liable to fall off
But those fitted with Velcro make the youngsters scoff
Clocks with no hands leave you to guess the time
And for many, being late is something of a crime

When washing our face we need soap as well as towel
For if soap gets in our eyes it can sting us something foul
And for a snack what can better than tasty beans on toast?
Together these two will credit any host

So from these little verses I think you’ll get the notion
Some things in our lives are closely interwoven
They are quite useful on their own, and can give us lots of pleasure
But when partnered both together, can be ever so much better

Ken Fisher

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Glasgow’s West End Charms

Glasgow’s West End Charms
[Look out for the West End Festival 3 – 26 June 2016]

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The centre of the universe where ‘life’ begins and ends
The hub, the focus, the vortex, on which true joy depends!
You can travel far and wide to the corners of the earth
And fail to find a home to match the West End’s worth

What is the fascination that this inner suburb brings?
Advocates would claim an extensive range of things
From its old world charms and faded housing stock
To pubs like the Curlers, the Aragon and the Rock

Restaurants and cafes abound on every lane and street
Friends and neighbours gather and each other greet
From early morn till late at night the coffee’s on the boil
Student baristas thereby finding useful toil

Others of a more sober thoughtful disposition
Revel in its Uni ‘s lofty learning mission
Religious devotees can find all Gods’ houses here
Seeking spiritual comfort without the need for beer

Many find that leisure abounds here in G12
Cinemas, the baths and libraries wherein to delve
Our public park is elevated to the status of Botanics
And you can follow any interest here even if you’re manic

So you can see why so many like Hillhead, Partick and Dowanhill
Living here in Glasgow’s terms is nothing short of ‘brill”
It’s got the lot for students, workers, e’en those on the pension
Its distractions are sure to relieve all your ills and tensions

So let us raise a cheer for all who promote this happy place
The Annual Festival which provides a great showcase
But above all let’s give thanks for this haven we call home
Our heart’s desire and trysting place no matter where we roam

Ken Fisher

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The Bank of Mum&Dad (BoMaD)

The Bank of Mum & Dad 

 

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It would appear from press reports that if you find you’re short of cash
And trying to buy a house without the necessary stash
If you’re getting nowhere with the usual high street lenders
And chances of scaling the property ladder are getting ever slender

Then the best prospect for those who hold such aspirations
Is to maintain accord with your very close relations
Because it seems you will need to bring out that begging bowl
And ask your Mum and Dad if they will kindly you bankroll?

Costs of fleeing the nest seem to forever spiral
House price inflation having gone completely viral
So ‘baby boomer’ parents find that in this world gone mad
The desirable new brand is simply called BOMAD*

And offspring for sure are rarely being coy
As they latch on to this money-seeking ploy
As their elders have gained by rises o’er the years
And their bricks became a goldmine in common with their peers

So watch out all parents if you thought your wealth secure
You can’t ignore the pleadings of your kids who’re oh so poor
Cancel world cruises or a room in that care home
You’ll need to give your progeny more than chromosomes!

Ken Fisher

*BoMaD = Bank of Mum & Dad

Emblem: M&D from Shelter

 

 

My Attempt to Save BHS!

My attempt to save BHS [British Home Stores]

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Having heard the bad news about BHS
One of our favourite stores, I have to confess
It’s fate hangs in the balance as it waits to be saved
Although I fear it won’t escape completely unscathed

Founded in 1928 this well-known retailer has made its mark
And news of its predicament seems all very stark
We knew there were problems, but hoped they might pass
And that thoughts of closure it might simply bypass

But today its seems to stand on the brink
And without some help it surely will sink
So although I have no means to solve all its woes
I thought it might help if I bought a few clothes!

When I visited the store to my great delight
Its welcoming windows were still shining bright
And better still (although perhaps not for them)
There were discounts on offer wherever we went

Although we could not make any magnanimous gesture
We hope in a small way we might have brought pleasure
As I rifled the shelves for a really good deal
And found two nice shirts which I thought had appeal!

So although we clearly could not redeem the store’s fate
[I think that to do that it is now far too late]
But perhaps by our small deed we still hope and believe
That from disaster surely someone will BHS retrieve

 

Ken Fisher

Thank You, and Yes Please

“The biggest doors can be opened by the smallest of keys
Thank you so much, and oh yes please”

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Strange as it may seem we will likely achieve
Much more if we simply learn to say please
These common courtesies we must not eschew
By neglecting to say a polite ‘thank you’

These gentle words that would appease
Will rarely anyone displease
And if we use a little charm
Potential foes we can disarm

Or if by our words we seek to gain
and some objective would attain
Politeness surely will reward
Requests not readily ignored

So let’s not forget those common words
In conversation not always heard
Let our speech pay due regard
These two little words ne’er discard

‘Thank you so much for all that you do’
And then it is certain good things will ensue
When making requests then always say please
And doors will swing open as we’ve found the keys!

Ken Fisher

 

Social Kissing

SOCIAL KISSING!

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It may just be that there is something I’m missing
But I’m perplexed by the rules about ‘social kissing’
For this without doubt is a real pressing question
And I would be pleased to hear your suggestions

For most of my life we controlled our emotion
Kissing reserved to show real deep devotion
For parents to children or husband to wife
But rarely to others in everyday life

But now that’s all changed and we kiss everyone
And I’m inclined to think it is much overdone
Not just our family or fairly close mates
Or young lovers embracing on their very first dates

No, today it would seem it is quite de rigueur
The habit ‘s almost become like a force majeure
No matter how casual may be the connection
We feel obligated to show our affection

But what is expected, a peck on the cheek?
Perhaps for many that may seem too weak
Go the whole hog, I say with a shrug
And grasp my victim in a mighty bear hug!

Then there’s the problem of which side comes first
Get it wrong and your sore head will need to be nursed
As your nose swipes across your acquaintance’s face
You will try to disguise the emerging grimace

The kiss straight on the lips might indeed satisfy
No doubt a technique that most bounders might try
But for those less red-blooded let’s keep it cool
Anyway, inappropriate kissing might prove you a fool

So where does this leave us, is there no protocol
For modern behaviour – no guidance at all?
Perhaps we should return to the well-tried handshake
And give all this kissing and hugging a break
Ken Fisher

 

[Original idea for this poem from the Daily Telegraph]

My Shiny New iMac

My Shiny New iMac

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I am now the owner of a shiny new Mac
Having got this beauty, I don’t want to turn back
I have released my grip on the Snow Leopard’s mane
To excitedly cavort with El Capitan!

Probably none of the above will make any sense
And if you know nothing of Macs that’s a good defence
And here is more jargon, just to show off
The retina screen is indeed very posh

Inside the casing so slim and so light
The massive store holds one whole terabyte
Its internal chips ensure remarkable speed
No matter how complex the input we feed

So I have to say I am feeling euphoric
Although yet to master its rules esoteric
And also it does give me cause for alarm
As I transfer old data, avoiding all harm

Anyway I forge ahead with this wondrous new toy
If you are a geek you would admire such a ploy
But I do hope this Mac containing such treasures
Will give faithful service and bring me much pleasure
Ken Fisher

The Schools’ Mid-term Holidays

The Schools’ Mid-term Holidays

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The joy of our teachers, the scourge of the parents
These inconvenient breaks amidst each school term
Those well enough off will find this no challenge
For they will be jetting off towards the lure of the sun

But what about the rest of us not quite so well-heeled?
How do we cope with our offspring when there’s no-one
To take on the duty in loco parentis, to share in this task
of minding our own so that we may still work?

Well such a challenge demands great ingenuity
And perhaps not a little subterfuge or even guile
Neighbours and friends who may owe us a favour
But most likely grandparents find that love demands all

But even if we have managed to fill the great breach
And the homegrown ‘cavalry’ have answered the call
How will they amuse them and ensure that each one will
Survive the whole week and still smile through it all

Well a search on the websites might prove somewhat fruitful
As entrepreneurs have jumped on this chance
To maximize profit by flaunting their ‘solutions’
In carnival thrills or wild adventure challenges

Others have decided that the health of the nation
Would be much improved by athletic endeavour
Thus swimming, and skating, and climbing up walls
Present us with chances to risk body and souls

Fortunately the local councils are making some effort
By drawing us in to their manifold facilities
To educate and inform using special events
At libraries, sports centres, even the public parks

One thing is for certain, no matter what we do
To amuse and occupy these hours of enforced leisure
At cinema, science centre, historical site or museum
It will not come cheap in hard money or effort

However, the schools holiday break should still be a pleasure
We might even find time to build broken bridges
To bond with our loved ones throughout its duration
Yet our smiles might sometimes be through gritted teeth!
Ken Fisher